Growing up I was the neighborhood babysitter.
I remember the first diaper I ever changed. I used about a dozen baby wipes and put the fresh diaper on backwards.
Oddly enough, the parents still invited me back the next weekend.
Almost 2o years after changing that first poopy butt, people are still asking me to watch their children.
This past weekend, I was responsible for the life and well being of five children. Originally it was just supposed to be my older sister’s two children.
However, before entering into this adventure, I knew I would need back up and distractions – for both me and the children. So the kids cousin, as well as Karina and her two Russian children joined the mix.
Dancing in the family room while some some rodents sang on the TV.
Now I am nothing, if not the utmost hostess. I prepared for the evening by purchasing child friendly food, toys, drinks and snacks as well as adult friendly wine and movies.
After feeding them a dinner of spagetti and juice boxes, I decided it would be best to let them work off their dinner and locked them outside with a handful of toys – their reward for finishing their dinner.
Don't worry, they are not real guns and no one's eye got shot out.
After the children had ran off their dinner, I decided it was safe to give them their extra special treat of soy ice cream with bananas and sprinkles.
What? I’m their aunt, I’m allowed to spoil them.
Trust me, those red cups are filled with ice cream, not jungle juice.
Another hour of running off their sugary treat and I finally let them back in the house. Karina and I got them changed into their PJ’s and settled in to watch a movie.
But first…
The rules.
“OK kiddos, what’s rule number one?”
“Stay in bed and don’t move.”
“Right. And what is rule number two?”
“Watch the movie.”
“Great. And what is rule number three?”
“Don’t bother you unless it’s an emergency.”
“Awesome! Now, what is the most important rule of all?”
“HAVE FUN!!!!”
They listen so well.
After getting the kids some popcorn and drinks, it was finally time to let them leave us alone. Karina and I went into my room, accompanied by a mini DVD player, a bottle of wine, a bag of rainbow twizzlers and another bag of cheesy munchies.
After checking on the kids a half a dozen times, they finally passed out and we tried to do the same. It was hard for me though. I kept envisioning one or more of them peeing on my couch or blow up mattress.
The next morning I woke to the voice of the middle child, “Guys, wake up! Guys, it’s mooooorning. Wake up! Wake up! Wake UP!”
It was before eight in the morning.
Children are such ass holes.
Once all of the kids were moving around, AKA screaming and fighting, I barked paranoid orders from my bedroom for all of them to take turns using the restroom.
I hadn’t checked yet, but if there was a chance to save me from pee clean up duty, I was all over it.
After locating my glasses, I stumbled into the living room and found them some cartoons to watch.
While sitting on the couch, waiting for the fog to clear from my head, the youngest of the group, Pasha, came up to me and informed me, “When I am at my mom’s house. She always makes me breakfast in the morning. ”
Ugh.
So Karina and I made the little blood suckers waffles with strawberries, cheesy scrambled eggs, sausage and hashbrowns. Being the rotten aunt that I am, they had to clear their plates before leaving the table too.
Goodness, I am one mean S.O.B!
It was raining outside so the kids said they wanted to watch yet another movie.
We reviewed the rules one more time and I turned on another kids show.
Part of me feels a little bad for having them watch so much TV, but another part of me is grateful for the built in electronic babysitter.
I swear, with this many children it was near impossible to have any quality bonding time. I felt like all I had time to do was cook and clean, cook and clean, make a snack, oh wait, you’re thirsty now? Here is your drink. Wait, you don’t want water? How about juice? Oh you’re done with your apple slices now? OK. WHAT? WHAT DO YOU WANT NOW?
Ahem.
Adorable little shits, all of them. Adorable little birth control reminding shits.
I returned all of the children to their appropriate homes 24 hours later with only one visible injury, which I swear was not my fault. No one had any broken bones and I am pretty sure all of the children had a good time.
Now, it seems to me like I’ve come a long way from backwards diapers and wasted wipes. And lord, oh lord am I glad babysitting is no longer my only source of income!
Not that I don’t love each of them… because I totally do. But doses of 24 hours at a time are more than enough for this childless gal.
Blogfully yours,
Summer
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I guess we must not have been paying close enough attention to our stop because when we heard the robotic woman’s voice say “Ballpark,” we exited the train.
Honestly, I have a new found respect for hookers.