I’m off learning how to be a better, more efficient blogger, which is code for I’m on vacation in Chicago. I asked my long time friend Chip if he would be interested in writing a guest post. I think his response was something like “sure, why the fuck not?” I told him this was his chance to write on a females blog about anything he wanted. That was all the direction I gave him…
Lord help me, I hope this goes over well!
Blogfully yours,
Summer
***
If it’s one thing I hate, it’s touchy-feely, self-help articles written by delusional, overly-sensitive morons who can’t even help themselves. If it’s two things I hate, it’s when those touchy-feely, self-help articles get emailed to me.
Awhile back, I found such an article in my in-box. Written by a guy who positioned himself as the “voice of all men,” the list was supposed to be a guide for women – you know, so they could “understand” us men better. Normally, I’d dump that kind of dog shit in the trash faster than you can say “Women Are From Venus, Men Are From Uranus,” and then instantly terminate my friendship with whoever forwarded it to me, but for some reason, I read it.
It was awful. Like “Runaway Bride” awful. It was insipid, it was spineless, and it was flat-out misrepresenting the male of our species. If anything, it was only going to make women think that men are more pathetic than we already are.
So in an effort to set the record straight – and to retain some of our dignity, I’ve written a response to each of the points in the original article. That original article – AND THIS IS IMPORTANT – is directly below, in italics. And yes, I’m going to ask you to read it. Quickly. Yes, it’s going to be painful, but it’s necessary to build up the proper amount of nausea to understand my retort – which immediately follows. (You may need a bottle of whiskey to get through this first part though…)
What Scares a Man?
By David Zinczenko, for Men’s Health
You probably think you know what frightens most men. A long-weekend at the in-laws’ place. Antiquing. Running out of beer in the third quarter. But that’s just the stuff he’ll admit to being afraid of, which, by definition, means they’re not his true deep fears. So how can you determine what those are? Easy: They’re the ones he’ll almost never talk about. But I will. Let’s count down through the Scary Fifteen:
#15 Hair in the drain. The first sign of male pattern baldness brings a man face-to-follicle with a skimpy aspect of his future. And it’s always earlier than he expects or wants (which is, like, never). Logically, men know that baldness is as much of a part of life as Leno making Britney jokes. Logically, men know that being bald doesn’t mean that they’re any less smart, virile, or successful. Logically, men know that women don’t care how much hair their men have. Logically, men know there are plenty of bald men who are comfortable in their skin–no matter how much of it they’re showing. But when it first happens, it feels like stepping on a scale and being 20 pounds heavier or waking up in high school with a quarter-sized nose pimple. It’s the inevitable and uncontrollable change in appearance that men try so desperately to protect. Maybe even more importantly, this moment when a man starts losing his hair says a lot about him-whether he’s cool enough to handle it, or anxious enough to attempt to deny it with comb-overs, Rogaine, or faith healers.
#14 Getting caught noticing another woman. A man’s instinctual response to visual stimulation very rarely has anything to do with his current relationship or how he feels about it. But his lizard brain reacts instantly, and before he knows he’s doing it, he’s looking at someone else. We hate having to explain behaviors that even we don’t fully understand.
#13 Rejection. Doesn’t matter whether it happens after a job interview, or at a bar, or on the basketball court. And remember, there’s a difference between losing and being outright rejected. Men can handle losing a game or having a bar conversation disintegrate into nothing. But the proud creatures that men are, they hate having their shots blocked. Mainly, that’s because it means that someone else has the upper hand-and is gloating about it.
#12 Super Nanny.
#11 Speedos.
#10 His dad’s death. It’s his most powerful moment of a reflection, as he thinks about his own mortality. Becoming the family patriarch is heavy stuff. For many men, it’s a life-changing moment, because they think about what their fathers did for them and what they failed to do. The next step: considering what they need to do to be better dads and better men themselves–which means they must confront their own failures, as well. That’s a lot for a grief-stricken man to deal with. He should get some latitude to do that in his own way. For him, reaching out may be through what seem like misdirections–more chatter about fishing with friends, an extra set of tickets to the Phillies showdown with the Mets. But guys need a reason to get together; the talk will come during a slow point in the 6th inning, or in the car on the way home.
#9 Her tears. Men know it’s natural, that women need to do it, and that it’s a signal that they better provide something more than just a tissue-even though many men have no clue what that something might be. Men have been told that women cry for all kinds of reasons-to release some emotions, to get our attention, or just because dammit, The Bachelor rose ceremony is so stinkin’ sad. Men want to do the right thing, but because men don’t navigate those falling waters very often, they probably do the wrong thing more often than not. Which is another reason why they fear her emotional tsunami.
#8 Being a lousy lover. Of all the things that men want to happen in bed, pleasing their women ranks near the top of the list, according to a national Men, Love, and Sex survey by Harris Interactive. Men hate to think that women may be bored, unimpressed, or unsatisfied. Maybe it’s an ego thing (okay, it is an ego thing), but men do very genuinely care about how much pleasure a woman is having in bed. That’s why the faking thing drives men so crazy. To men, feigned pleasure is code for: You’re so damn terrible at this, but there there, little fella, I’m gonna make you feel good about your inadequate self. Men want to know what women want, and they want to be successful in delivering it.
#7 Not being a god to his kids. There comes a time when men don’t care much about what strangers, co-workers, friends, in-laws, or anybody else thinks about them. But when a kid articulates his father’s flaws, it’s the ultimate heart crumbler. Men know that sometimes they work too much or are too short-fused or simply fall short on the hero-dad meter, but deep down, they know it’s the most important job that they’re going to do. And if they don’t do it right, they know there’s a significant chink in their masculine armor.
#6 Living paycheck to paycheck. Even though men aren’t the only hunters and providers anymore, they still feel a deep evolutionary pull to provide the backbone and protection for their tribe. When men lose money, can’t make enough money, or are scrounging for money, it can be an emotional disaster-it makes them feel like they’re losing control in their lives.
#5 Beautiful women. Few things intimidate men more than IRS audits and 12-foot birdie putts. A beautiful woman is one of them. A beautiful woman-whether spotted at work, in bookstores, driving in the next lane, anywhere-simply has the power to turn a man of steel into creamed corn. Men know this. Men try to resist this. Ultimately, it’s a challenge. Beauty may be a short-lived form of power, but it is profound, and nearly all men cower before it. It can make them do really, really stupid things.
#4 Getting naked. Ladies shouldn’t think that they’re alone in fleshy hang-ups. Guys are just as concerned about what women will initially think about their body hair, muscles, guts, toes, and other parts. Men are deeply aware that they can be too fat, too skinny, too hairy, too smelly, and while men are eager to revel in a woman’s body, they also share anxiety about revealing their own.
#3 Tofurky.
#2 Not seeing his kids grow up. Death, of course, scares everyone-not so much for the bad stuff that may happen to them, but for missing out on all the good stuff that will happen to their kids. Or, worse yet, not being around to protect them from the bad stuff.
# 1 Public humiliation. Here’s one that will make even the strongest men cave: Looking weak. Whether a man is extremely secure-or insanely insecure-about himself, he’s worries that he’ll look incompetent, idiotic, or both. Doesn’t matter whether it’s a zipper malfunction, an off-color joke he mistakenly slips in during a speech, a dismissive statement by a boss in a department meeting, fumbling the fly ball at a softball game, getting arrested for fighting after his kid’s soccer game, whatever. It’s one thing to make mistakes. But making the reputation-damaging ones in public is tough to take. That’s because as much as men try to protect their homes, their families, their appearance, and their jobs, perhaps the most nerve-wracking job of all is protecting the thing they can’t cure with money, with effort or with laser hair removal: their reputations.
And now, my response:
Interesting, David, but your article simply doesn’t apply to me.
#15. Hair in the drain? Screw it. I’ve shaved my head lots of times. If I start going bald, I’ll do it again. Men don’t care about hair as much as self-help articles like this say they do. Bruce Willis is getting laid a lot more than Yanni or Fabio, dipshit.
#14. Getting caught checking out other women. Please. I only date women who point out hot chicks.
#13. Rejection. To me, succumbing to rejection is like getting bucked off a horse and not getting back on. If you give up, you’re a pussy and should be castrated as not to pollute our gene pool.
#12. Super Nanny? Are you kidding? Any man who’s scared of Super Nanny is a man who doesn’t have the balls or intelligence to discipline his own kids. Again, these people are dipshits who should not be breeding.
#11. Speedos. Speedos are like clowns. They’re not scary if you avoid them.
#10. A father’s death. This is retarded. If you have to wait until your father dies to realize your own mortality, then you need to stop screwing your sister, stop watching NASCAR, and have someone come over and slap you in the face. Wake the fuck up. Until you do, you’ll only be an embarrassment to your dad, mama’s-boy.
#9. A woman’s tears. Nothing about this is scary. Sad maybe. But scary? Be a man. Be there for her like she’s been there for you. Make her (and yourself) a stiff cocktail and get through it together. If this goes on for days, drink more. If this goes on for years, kill her.
#8. Being a bad lover. Good sex is about two things: Communication and the right physical fit. If you and your chick can’t talk about what you like, or if you’re always trying to pound a square peg into one of those triangle-shaped holes, the sex is going to be bad. (NOTE: If you actually have a square peg, or she has a triangle-shaped hole, one of you is a space alien.)
#7. Not being a god to his kids. Who’s the douche who wrote THAT shit? You don’t need to be a “god” to anyone. All you need is for your kids to respect you – which isn’t going to happen if you keep watching American Idol and writing stupid shit like this. Plus, here’s a little newsflash, chief: You’re not a god and you never will be.
#6. Living paycheck to paycheck. I understand that this can be scary. But ambition and a little responsibility will go a long way towards eliminating this. Translation: Get a job and use a condom. The world is tired of bankrolling your bankrupt lifestyle and your retarded fuck trophies.
#5. Beautiful women. If you’re a man who’s scared of beautiful women, check yourself for testicles. If you feel some and are still curled up in a ball, just remember this: No matter how beautiful she is, keep in mind that somewhere, someone is sick and tired of her shit. If that doesn’t cure you, kill yourself. You’re too pathetic to breathe the same air as me.
#4. Getting naked. If you’re scared of someone seeing you naked, maybe it’s time to put down the Krispy Kreme, the Taco Bell, the Starbucks Double Vanilla Cappuccino Latte Thingy, and hit the gym. Period.
#3. Tofurky. The only reason you should be scared of this is if you’re being forced to eat it. And if you’re being forced to eat it, either A) you need to tell your chick to back the fuck off or B) listen to her because she’s probably trying to tell you to lose that spare tire so she’ll find you less revolting and want to have sex with you again sometime.
#2. Not being around to raise your kids. Shut the fuck up. Chances are — if you’re like 90% of the people I see who have kids these days — YOU’RE not raising them at all anyway. Instead, you’re letting our system of social welfare do it, or worse – you have plenty of money and a nanny is raising them. What? You want to see them become adults so you can see what a success they’ve become? Let me put your mind at ease: Your little angels aren’t gonna amount to shit if you keep letting them sit around all day eating Cheetos and playing X-Box. Try taking an active role in raising them now, dumbass.
#1. Public humiliation. Yawn. It’s only humiliating if you allow it to be. What ever happened to laughing at yourself?
FINAL THOUGHT:
I don’t blame women for being fed up with the modern-day heterosexual male. If you’re a male and you’re scared of this kind of stuff, you’re a giant pussy. Conversely, MY male friends — gay or straight — aren’t scared of any of this bullshit. We’re men. Real men. And we’re tired of all the self-help columnists making us look bad. Here’s some tampons and Oprah’s book of the month. Get the fuck out of my sight.
Sincerely,
Chip Haskell
I was going to post a "nice" picture of Chip but I thought that would be too girly of me and this is, afterall, a guys post.
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