It was hard times, y’all!

Then, as quickly as the snow globe storm rolled in, it was over. Well, not over over, but better. My mother’s mastectomy was hugely successful. She is now cancer free. Cute and I settled into a rhythm of cohabitation that works well for us. I am still technically without a job, but the things 2012 has in store for me are nothing short of life changing.

My love for myself, my family, and my relationships has grown more than I knew was possible. I see life with a strange new set of eyes now. I don’t want to take anything or anyone for granted. Almost losing a loved one, coupled with no longer being able to afford the lifestyle you’ve grown accustom to, will do that to ya.

I suppose looking back now, that 2011 was actually a great year for personal growth. Now that it’s over, I can say I’m thrilled to be moving on to a year with a little less growing pains.

Blogfully yours,

Summer

What can I say? They happen. Ours happens once a year. This year’s happened to land on the day I got back from the Grand Canyon. I literally got home, showered, primped, and drove straight to the reunion.

Did I feel like going? No, not exactly. I hadn’t gotten a good nights sleep in over a week. I was emotionally and physically exhausted.

But, I couldn’t miss it.

Seriously. Could. Not.

Why?

Family pictures.

After sitting through pictures with the entire extended family, immediate family, and a sister photo, I watched as one by one all of my cousins and siblings got their photos taken with their families.

I am the only one without a spouse or child.

This used to bother me.

To tell the truth, sometimes it still does.

But life is what it is and I love my life so when the photographer asked if there were any more pictures that needed to be taken, I walked up to her and said, “Yes…me. Just me.”

Maybe it was my new found courage from surviving the Grand Canyon or maybe I am finally comfortable in my own skin.

Either way, I am proud to be my own family of one.

Blogfully yours,

Summer

So, I’m sorry I’ve been gone so long. I’m ready to get back to writing. What do you say we kiss and make up? Grab some breath mints, maybe a cup of coffee, and lets catch up.

Where to start…

The holidays were actually pretty damn awesome, from what I can remember – I may or may not have been entirely sober for most of them. In November I was pretty much dreading them. You know, single for the holidays and all that jazz. But I found my happy place early on and any holiday spirits partaken were done to bring in good cheer, not to drown away sorrows. Which, come to find out, is exactly how it’s supposed to be.

Who knew?

I guess I should mention that while I was, in fact, single for the holidays, I have been hanging out with a certain gentleman caller who shall remain nameless. That is, until I figure out what to call him. Karina thinks I should call him “Prozac.” Not because he is mentally unstable, but because he seems to make me really happy.

Seriously, I smile any time I talk about him.

BUT…

I don’t want to jinx things or get overly excited (because I in no way have a track record of doing THAT), so I’ll  just leave it by saying I’m having a shit-ton of fun hanging out with a guy who continues to make me laugh harder than I have in years. It is a very grown up relationship where neither of us are rushing to define it or push it into something it is not ready to be. But at the same time, I don’t have any desire to see anyone else.

Enough about that.

I’ve been in physical therapy for a few months now and have made mad progress on my ankle*. I’ve gone snowshoeing three times and skiing once. Sure it hurt like hell, especially the first time out, but the point is I am out doing what I love! I’ve got pictures and stories to tell (look forward to or dread those to come in the next little while).  However, being the somewhat difficult person that I am, I am still not satisfied. My PT told me that I am not cleared to do high impact things, more specifically, I am not cleared to run.

Now, I am admittedly not a runner. But tell me I can’t/shouldn’t run and all of the sudden running is my life and you are denying me my vary reason for getting out of bed! I’m working on getting over it, mostly by becoming increasingly fatter. It’s my way of sticking it to the man for telling me I can’t do something, but the only thing being punished is my pants which are starting to cut off my circulation.

Lastly, I started back to school. Yep, the pursuit of higher education continues! So long social life, it was fun while it lasted! Now it’s back to working full time, going to school at night and paying for tuition instead of buying groceries and expensive face cream.

Sigh.

The sacrifices we make to have a stupid piece of paper to hang on the wall.

But enough about me, how have YOU been?

Blogfully yours,

Summer

*just in case you are new to Blogfully Yours, the Anklegate stories can all be found here.

This notion of being selfish weighed heavy on my mind for quite some time. I meant to write about it a while back, but obviously I was too wrapped up in myself to find time to write about it. Then last Saturday as I am thinking about my plans for the day – pedicure, lunch with ED, lay by the pool with the girls, go to a movie (“Get me to the Greek,” HILARIOUSLY stupid! Totally recommend it.) – the though of being selfish crossed my mind again.

As a point of reference, my mother has spent her life in service. She is a full-time nurse, she serves religious callings for the LDS church, she is in a cooking club (which is the polar opposite of my cooking club), and on the weekends she is always watching one or more of her grandchildren. She has countless gift certificates to get massages or visit the spa but she just can’t seem to find the time because she is too busy taking care of everyone else.

I, on the other hand, would totally use those spa gift cards because I only have myself to take care of.

Well, I also take care of my cat.

Totally selfish, right?

Only I’m not.

Not really anyway.

The conclusion I have come to is this: At this phase in my life my priorities involve bettering myself through school, working hard in a career I love, spending time with building my relationships with friends, family, and of course my significant other, ED. It is not that I am selfish, I have made a conscious decision to be where I am.

Having grown up in the Mormon religion I know that, especially as a woman, spending too much time taking care of yourself when you could be taking care of others is considered a selfish thing to do. Your life should be all about service, not about discovering your own dreams and ambitions. It wasn’t until I reached the age of 25 that I finally made the decision to claim independence and find out what I was really made of.

Almost five years later, I do not regret my decision.

One day my priorities will be different. One day my priorities might involve the most selfless act of all – parenthood! One day it might involve feeding starving kids in Africa or actually being active in charitable groups instead of just attending their events. Who knows! One day it might involve the Peace Corp, rescuing stray kittens, baking cookies for the homeless and mowing my elderly neighbors lawn.

One day…

But until then, this is my life and I am pretty damn okay with it.

Blogfully yours,

Summer

I hate when I hurt.

It sends me into all sorts of upsetness.

Back in December I started researching a new nutrition plan to help with my Endometriosis. I began working it into my everyday life, little by little, in the hopes that a holistic approach to my condition would be the answer. Right now I’m buying organic everything, which, holy shit is expensive! I’ve cut out all the “bad” foods (well most of them anyway) and I am making an honest go at it.

I mean, last week I turned down a FREE asiago cheese bagel for chrissake!

Truth be told, I’ve felt really good for the most part. But right now, I feel like there are multiple knives shoved in my lower abdomen and each knife is getting twisted at a regular interval just so I don’t forget they are there. I don’t even know if that makes sense. I JUST EFFING HURT!

Why do I hurt? I mean, outside of the obvious endometriosis thing.

I can’t say entirely for sure, but I think it has to due with the fact I went to see the Utah JAZZ play.

You heard me.

The tickets were amazing! We were in a suite catered with yummy food which was entirely NOT on my nutrition plan. I ate it anyway.  I washed it down with two glasses of “non-approved” wine too.

Pain woke me up the next morning.

Is that really it? Is my body–after less than a month of mostly clean eating–so upset that I dared eat a meatball and some cheesy artichoke dip, that it would cause me this much pain? Really?

I know I am giving myself a bit of a pity party, but that? That is pure BULLSHIT!

I’m sorry, but as I sit here, waiting for the pain pills to kick in and pounding out my frustrations on the key board, I can’t help but feel the way I do. Anyone who has read this blog will know I try to stay positive for the most part, but right now I am tired. I am flat out tired of feeling this way. And what’s worse is I know I am exacerbating my symptoms by getting upset about them. Stress is another trigger. So is working out, which I totally did.

I hate this. I feel like I just can’t win.

Blogfully yours,

Summer

After giving the medical field more than their fair chance to treat me like a lab rat, I’ve decide it’s time I take matters into my own hands.

The plan I am about to outline to you will seem somewhat unattainable. Truth be told, it is. Which is why I am using it more as a stringent guideline that I follow as best I can.

I mean, no one, including me, honestly believes I am going to completely give up coffee, chocolate or alcohol, so why set myself up for failure? Plus “guideline” sounds so much less depressing.

My new nutrition plan’s “guidelines” do not allow me to have any of the following items:

- Red meat

- Dairy (including cheese)

- Wheat or product containing flour (gluten)

- Refined sugars and honey (including chocolate)

- Alcohol

- Coffee

- Fried food

- Soy products

- Additives and preservatives

All of these items cause inflammation, increased estrogen levels or negative prostaglandin (I don’t know what that last one means… but it sounds really bad!).

Again, these are guidelines I am following as best I can.

At first glance you might be wondering what the hell else is there to eat?

Well I’ll tell you.

TACOS!

They have to be chicken… and in a corn tortilla… and without cheese. But, TACOS! I love TACOS and they are totally doable! So are vegetables, rice, fish, salads, vitamins and almond or rice milk (no soy remember?).

Yeah, so don’t worry about me finding enough to eat. The guys at the local taco cart are getting to know me VERY well.

Dos pollo tacos por favor, senior!

Plus since I came to the conclusion wine totally isn’t alcohol (it’s fruit, duh!), I’m pretty sure this is a diet nutrition plan I can stick to!

Blogfully yours,

Summer

My 2009 year in review.

January: I entered into my second semester of college. I started out the year single, but became reunited with an old flame who I dated 1.5 years earlier. Cautiously we started dating but it wasn’t long before I was head over heels for him. Karina promised to “cut him” if he hurt me.

February: ED and I celebrated Valentines Day a little early because I was going to be gone over the holiday hiking in Moab with my friends. It was my first time hiking there. I loved every second of seeing the beauty around me and I even finished a grueling 8.5 mile hike!

March: I continued taking baby steps with my relationship with ED until he dropped a bomb on me and asked me to go with him to the country to meet his family. I nearly had a heart attack when he asked me but happily agreed to go. To say this was a HUGE step for us would be an understatement.

April: The full swing of school and all of it’s stresses started to take it’s toll on me, like it does every semester. I documented shaving my cat Aurora. I do this a couple of times a year, but this was the first time I actually took pictures.

May: After finishing the semester with a 4.0, ED and I decided to celebrate by taking a trip to Zions National Park. We had an absolutely amazing time. We both love to hike and it was the perfect weekend get away. Karina the Russian often meets me for lunch and she took me for the perfect picnic lunch in the park with her kiddos.

June: I got a tattoo that I had been talking about getting for TWO YEARS. It turned out absolutely beautiful! In fact, a few weeks after getting it a stranger recognized me at a festival because she read it on my blog. It totally made my day. ED finally decided it was time to start taking me around his friends.

July: What a busy month! I launched my new blog (the one you see here today. My old one can be found here) with a great deal of help from my friend Sarah who I am forever indebted to. I attended my older sisters bachelorette party where there was fire dancing and her “Non-Conformist Hippie” wedding. I went to BlogHer in Chicago! A conference completely devoted to blogging and booze. It was overwhelming, but such a fun adventure. While I was gone I let a man take over my blog. When I returned I got in a fight with Karina the Russian and made up with her.

August: Yet another busy busy month. I turned 22… again. ED turned 30 and to celebrate both of our birthdays we took an amazing trip to MEXICO! While I was gone I had two amazing guest bloggers: Sarah from Tales of Wit and Charm and Brittany from Barefoot Foodie.  Love those girls! Oh, and I moved.

September: I started fall semester and had some of the quirkiest teachers yet. I went to heaven, also known as Lake Powell. I posted two (short) essays. I fought and made up with Karina the Russian, again.

October: Let’s see, in October I moved… again. This time into a place I absolutely love! My iPhone was stolden and my life just hasn’t been the same without it. I dressed only semi-slutty for Halloween and attended two parties. And I cooked for ED, the first time in the ten months we had been dating!

November: The beginning of the month I wish I could forget. I lost my oldest and dearest friend, Zach. *Deep breath*I finally got the courage to write about my lost relationship with Jesus and why I left the LDS church which prompted me to start a new feature on my blog called “TMI Friday” (Too Much Information Friday) where I boarder the line of oversharing. I just decided I no longer wanted to hold anything back. And I haven’t. I wrote about my divorce, and how grief effected me too.

December: Well to back up a bit, I spent my first Thanksgiving away from my family. EVER. I overcame my fear of shooting guns. I continued with TMI Friday, writing about oversharing and the most personal of all, my secret pain. I met Dooce! Threw an Ugly Christmas Sweater Party and spent half of Christmas with my family and the other half with ED’s.

Whew!

For those of you who are new to my blog, there you have it. You now know everything there is to know about me… at least from the past year.

I’m not sure how many people will actually get through this post, but to be honest, I did it mostly for myself anyway. It was time consuming fun to look back on the past year and you know, even though the economy is in the crapper and I lost one of my best friends, 2009 really wasn’t a bad year for me. I traveled, got straight A’s and am in the healthiest relationship I have ever been in.

Here is to 2010. Please don’t take a giant crap on me.

Blogfully yours,

Summer

When I was around nineteen years old, I was diagnosed with Endometriosis. The simple explanation given by WebMD is:

Endometriosis is the development of uterine-lining tissue outside the uterus. Symptoms include abdominal pain, heavy periods, and infertility. Treatments include pain relievers, birth control pills, and surgery.

Without going into great detail, it basically causes chronic pain. I have put my body through hell trying to combat that pain. There is no cure, outside of a hysterectomy, and while my chances to actually conceive a child are impossibly low, I don’t want to give up that  option just yet. I have only brought up my Endo once before on this blog and it was after my OBGYN doc told me to start mentally preparing myself for the fact that I will not be able to have a child. It was harsh. I’m still not over it.

Throughout the years the primary goal has always been to treat the symptoms. I swear to you I have tried just about everything. Surgery (twice!). A bazillion types of birth control. Monthly shots (which my mother and ex-husband happily shot in my ass), throwing my 22 year old body into menopause. For the record, NO woman should ever have to go through hot and cold flashes twice in her life!

I have tried having no treatment what-so-ever; just managing the pain with medications. Constantly taking pain pills is incredibly hard on the stomach and to be honest, I am lucky I didn’t get addicted to pain pills.

Finally I went to my doctor and got an IUD. Normally women who have not given birth are not encouraged to get them, but I was running out of options.

The first two months were absolute HELL. But I waited it out and eventually my body accepted it. For the first time in years, I could go months at a time without taking any pain medication. For someone who has spent the majority of her adult life battling pain, this felt like a godsend.

Of course it hasn’t been perfect. Far from. I have my ups and downs. I’ll be feeling good for a while and I forget there is anything wrong with me. I start living my life like my actions will have no consequences. Eating poorly, drinking too often, not getting enough sleep or exercise and, of course, my largest trigger, STRESS. These factors all contribute to whether my Endo makes an appearance.

Recently, with the death of my dear friend Zach and the end of the semester, I have let my health go and I am paying the price. When I felt the pain coming back, and more importantly, when I realized it was not going away, it really hit me hard. I became depressed. I started feeling sorry for myself. I moped around and ate a lot of chocolate. Then I decided I wasn’t going to let the Endo take over me. Not while I have the power to do something about it.

I’m starting on a new, very strict, very clean diet that I found from an Endo website. Basically I’m taking out all things that make life worth living are unhealthy, like chocolate, sugar, fried food, red meat, caffeine, wheat and dairy, and I’m replacing them with lots of vitamins, water, fresh fruits and vegis, chicken, fish and brown rice.

I’m only three days in…

Making this change right before the holidays may not have been the smartest decision, but honestly I can’t put my health on hold any longer. I can’t pretend that if I ignore it it will go away. This is one of my challenges in life. We all have them. It’s how we choose to cope with them that matters. I am choosing to do what I can to take control.

Because frankly, I’m out of options.

Blogfully yours,

Summer

I’m six feet tall.

That is not an euphemism, I am literally six feet tall.

Growing up I always got asked if I played on my high school basketball team, volley ball team, track team, etc. Sadly, sports was never my thing so I had to answer “no.” To which people would always shake their head and say, “shame, lettin’ all that height go to waste”.

Because what good is being tall if you are not going to play sports?

I did try. Which is to say I tried out for the volleyball team once. I didn’t make the cut. Something to do with my lack of ability to actually hit the ball. I guess that’s an important part.

So, no, I did not play sports. I did however go to two different modeling schools.  Yep, I learned how to strut on the catwalk and smile pretty for the camera instead of dribble a basket ball.

Apparently I wasn’t good at modeling either, because it never resulted in anything but a short lived eating complex and low self esteem. In modeling, you are never enough–never skinny enough, never pretty enough, never proportioned in the right places enough–so ultimately while I dreamed of fame, adoration, exotic photo shoots and fortune, I didn’t hate myself enough to get there.

What to do with all this height then?

If I could, I would share it with some of my “vertically challenged” friends. Giving them two or three inches would certainly make it easier to find pants long enough for me…

But, since that is not an option, I figure I’ll put it to good use by assisting friends who can’t reach the top shelf while cooking me dinner, make short men feel intimidated (especially when I wear heels), get to places faster with my long strides, hide extra weight by spreading it over more surface area, keep Shick Razors in business, and give people a reason to whisper to their friends, “geeze she’s tall. I bet she played sports in high school.”

Blogfully yours,

Summer

I think they are neither.

In the essay (“Campus Climate Control” in case you are curious), the author mainly debates the needs for a balance between no adult supervision and an overly dominate presence on campus. I’m not particularly interested in that part and I can’t speak to what campus life is like. What I can share are my own feelings of going through that child-not-yet-adult stage.

I remember very clearly the strange transition from being under my parent’s ever present watch and guidance to being on my own to make my own decisions. All of a sudden I was working a full time job. I had credit cards and a lease on an apartment. I was completely dumbfounded by the amount of responsibility that was seemingly handed to me overnight. I kept thinking ‘when are these people going to realize I have no idea what I am doing?’

I was still a teenager but I had utility bills and a car lease in my name! Soon it became almost a  game of sorts to see just how many people would extend credit to me. After a while I had credit cards (and bills) for every major department and retail store in town. I had no one to tell me to be careful or to watch what I was doing, so I took the feeling of freedom and the high I got from buying whatever I wanted and I ran with it!

Before I knew it my monthly bills were leaving me with no discretionary income. I was grocery shopping in my parents kitchen (something I still do from time to time) and using my credit card (that wasn’t at its limit) to buy gas for my car.

Outside of bills, I had no one to remind me how important it was to wake up and go to class because education actually is important, so I dropped out—a mistake I would realize ten years later.

At the time I would tell you that I had everything under control and I knew what I was doing, but truth be told I was scared out of my mind! I kept waiting to feel like an adult, but most of the time I felt like a kid dressing up in her moms clothes.

It was a weird scary place to be that’s for sure, one that I am so glad I do not live in anymore. Not that this next stage of NOT being asked for ID when you go to the liquor store is so great or anything. I’m just saying it’s nice to finally know what I am doing.  It’s nice to not be in the “neither” stage. It’s nice to be… an adult?

Blogfully yours,

Summer