I hurt.

I hate when I hurt.

It sends me into all sorts of upsetness.

Back in December I started researching a new nutrition plan to help with my Endometriosis. I began working it into my everyday life, little by little, in the hopes that a holistic approach to my condition would be the answer. Right now I’m buying organic everything, which, holy shit is expensive! I’ve cut out all the “bad” foods (well most of them anyway) and I am making an honest go at it.

I mean, last week I turned down a FREE asiago cheese bagel for chrissake!

Truth be told, I’ve felt really good for the most part. But right now, I feel like there are multiple knives shoved in my lower abdomen and each knife is getting twisted at a regular interval just so I don’t forget they are there. I don’t even know if that makes sense. I JUST EFFING HURT!

Why do I hurt? I mean, outside of the obvious endometriosis thing.

I can’t say entirely for sure, but I think it has to due with the fact I went to see the Utah JAZZ play.

You heard me.

The tickets were amazing! We were in a suite catered with yummy food which was entirely NOT on my nutrition plan. I ate it anyway.  I washed it down with two glasses of “non-approved” wine too.

Pain woke me up the next morning.

Is that really it? Is my body–after less than a month of mostly clean eating–so upset that I dared eat a meatball and some cheesy artichoke dip, that it would cause me this much pain? Really?

I know I am giving myself a bit of a pity party, but that? That is pure BULLSHIT!

I’m sorry, but as I sit here, waiting for the pain pills to kick in and pounding out my frustrations on the key board, I can’t help but feel the way I do. Anyone who has read this blog will know I try to stay positive for the most part, but right now I am tired. I am flat out tired of feeling this way. And what’s worse is I know I am exacerbating my symptoms by getting upset about them. Stress is another trigger. So is working out, which I totally did.

I hate this. I feel like I just can’t win.

Blogfully yours,

Summer

Emotions get the best of me, Healthy shmelthy, Just me, NOT light and fluffy

A few weeks back I made mention to changing my diet to help overcome some of the obstacles I face with my secret pain, endometriosis.

After giving the medical field more than their fair chance to treat me like a lab rat, I’ve decide it’s time I take matters into my own hands.

The plan I am about to outline to you will seem somewhat unattainable. Truth be told, it is. Which is why I am using it more as a stringent guideline that I follow as best I can.

I mean, no one, including me, honestly believes I am going to completely give up coffee, chocolate or alcohol, so why set myself up for failure? Plus “guideline” sounds so much less depressing.

My new nutrition plan’s “guidelines” do not allow me to have any of the following items:

- Red meat

- Dairy (including cheese)

- Wheat or product containing flour (gluten)

- Refined sugars and honey (including chocolate)

- Alcohol

- Coffee

- Fried food

- Soy products

- Additives and preservatives

All of these items cause inflammation, increased estrogen levels or negative prostaglandin (I don’t know what that last one means… but it sounds really bad!).

Again, these are guidelines I am following as best I can.

At first glance you might be wondering what the hell else is there to eat?

Well I’ll tell you.

TACOS!

They have to be chicken… and in a corn tortilla… and without cheese. But, TACOS! I love TACOS and they are totally doable! So are vegetables, rice, fish, salads, vitamins and almond or rice milk (no soy remember?).

Yeah, so don’t worry about me finding enough to eat. The guys at the local taco cart are getting to know me VERY well.

Dos pollo tacos por favor, senior!

Plus since I came to the conclusion wine totally isn’t alcohol (it’s fruit, duh!), I’m pretty sure this is a diet nutrition plan I can stick to!

Blogfully yours,

Summer

Healthy shmelthy, Just me

If I was an attentive blogger who was on top of her shit, this list would have been posted before the new year. However I am NOT a blogger who is on top of her shit, so you get it now.

My 2009 year in review.

January: I entered into my second semester of college. I started out the year single, but became reunited with an old flame who I dated 1.5 years earlier. Cautiously we started dating but it wasn’t long before I was head over heels for him. Karina promised to “cut him” if he hurt me.

February: ED and I celebrated Valentines Day a little early because I was going to be gone over the holiday hiking in Moab with my friends. It was my first time hiking there. I loved every second of seeing the beauty around me and I even finished a grueling 8.5 mile hike!

March: I continued taking baby steps with my relationship with ED until he dropped a bomb on me and asked me to go with him to the country to meet his family. I nearly had a heart attack when he asked me but happily agreed to go. To say this was a HUGE step for us would be an understatement.

April: The full swing of school and all of it’s stresses started to take it’s toll on me, like it does every semester. I documented shaving my cat Aurora. I do this a couple of times a year, but this was the first time I actually took pictures.

May: After finishing the semester with a 4.0, ED and I decided to celebrate by taking a trip to Zions National Park. We had an absolutely amazing time. We both love to hike and it was the perfect weekend get away. Karina the Russian often meets me for lunch and she took me for the perfect picnic lunch in the park with her kiddos.

June: I got a tattoo that I had been talking about getting for TWO YEARS. It turned out absolutely beautiful! In fact, a few weeks after getting it a stranger recognized me at a festival because she read it on my blog. It totally made my day. ED finally decided it was time to start taking me around his friends.

July: What a busy month! I launched my new blog (the one you see here today. My old one can be found here) with a great deal of help from my friend Sarah who I am forever indebted to. I attended my older sisters bachelorette party where there was fire dancing and her “Non-Conformist Hippie” wedding. I went to BlogHer in Chicago! A conference completely devoted to blogging and booze. It was overwhelming, but such a fun adventure. While I was gone I let a man take over my blog. When I returned I got in a fight with Karina the Russian and made up with her.

August: Yet another busy busy month. I turned 22… again. ED turned 30 and to celebrate both of our birthdays we took an amazing trip to MEXICO! While I was gone I had two amazing guest bloggers: Sarah from Tales of Wit and Charm and Brittany from Barefoot Foodie.  Love those girls! Oh, and I moved.

September: I started fall semester and had some of the quirkiest teachers yet. I went to heaven, also known as Lake Powell. I posted two (short) essays. I fought and made up with Karina the Russian, again.

October: Let’s see, in October I moved… again. This time into a place I absolutely love! My iPhone was stolden and my life just hasn’t been the same without it. I dressed only semi-slutty for Halloween and attended two parties. And I cooked for ED, the first time in the ten months we had been dating!

November: The beginning of the month I wish I could forget. I lost my oldest and dearest friend, Zach. *Deep breath*I finally got the courage to write about my lost relationship with Jesus and why I left the LDS church which prompted me to start a new feature on my blog called “TMI Friday” (Too Much Information Friday) where I boarder the line of oversharing. I just decided I no longer wanted to hold anything back. And I haven’t. I wrote about my divorce, and how grief effected me too.

December: Well to back up a bit, I spent my first Thanksgiving away from my family. EVER. I overcame my fear of shooting guns. I continued with TMI Friday, writing about oversharing and the most personal of all, my secret pain. I met Dooce! Threw an Ugly Christmas Sweater Party and spent half of Christmas with my family and the other half with ED’s.

Whew!

For those of you who are new to my blog, there you have it. You now know everything there is to know about me… at least from the past year.

I’m not sure how many people will actually get through this post, but to be honest, I did it mostly for myself anyway. It was time consuming fun to look back on the past year and you know, even though the economy is in the crapper and I lost one of my best friends, 2009 really wasn’t a bad year for me. I traveled, got straight A’s and am in the healthiest relationship I have ever been in.

Here is to 2010. Please don’t take a giant crap on me.

Blogfully yours,

Summer

Just me, blogging

You know how I said I am an open book? Well there are a few things I am not super share-y about. One of which is my health problems. I don’t know why it’s so hard to write about, it just seems… extra personal. Maybe it’s because I don’t like showing physical weakness. Emotional, fine. But admitting to the physical trials my body endures is a different story all together.

When I was around nineteen years old, I was diagnosed with Endometriosis. The simple explanation given by WebMD is:

Endometriosis is the development of uterine-lining tissue outside the uterus. Symptoms include abdominal pain, heavy periods, and infertility. Treatments include pain relievers, birth control pills, and surgery.

Without going into great detail, it basically causes chronic pain. I have put my body through hell trying to combat that pain. There is no cure, outside of a hysterectomy, and while my chances to actually conceive a child are impossibly low, I don’t want to give up that  option just yet. I have only brought up my Endo once before on this blog and it was after my OBGYN doc told me to start mentally preparing myself for the fact that I will not be able to have a child. It was harsh. I’m still not over it.

Throughout the years the primary goal has always been to treat the symptoms. I swear to you I have tried just about everything. Surgery (twice!). A bazillion types of birth control. Monthly shots (which my mother and ex-husband happily shot in my ass), throwing my 22 year old body into menopause. For the record, NO woman should ever have to go through hot and cold flashes twice in her life!

I have tried having no treatment what-so-ever; just managing the pain with medications. Constantly taking pain pills is incredibly hard on the stomach and to be honest, I am lucky I didn’t get addicted to pain pills.

Finally I went to my doctor and got an IUD. Normally women who have not given birth are not encouraged to get them, but I was running out of options.

The first two months were absolute HELL. But I waited it out and eventually my body accepted it. For the first time in years, I could go months at a time without taking any pain medication. For someone who has spent the majority of her adult life battling pain, this felt like a godsend.

Of course it hasn’t been perfect. Far from. I have my ups and downs. I’ll be feeling good for a while and I forget there is anything wrong with me. I start living my life like my actions will have no consequences. Eating poorly, drinking too often, not getting enough sleep or exercise and, of course, my largest trigger, STRESS. These factors all contribute to whether my Endo makes an appearance.

Recently, with the death of my dear friend Zach and the end of the semester, I have let my health go and I am paying the price. When I felt the pain coming back, and more importantly, when I realized it was not going away, it really hit me hard. I became depressed. I started feeling sorry for myself. I moped around and ate a lot of chocolate. Then I decided I wasn’t going to let the Endo take over me. Not while I have the power to do something about it.

I’m starting on a new, very strict, very clean diet that I found from an Endo website. Basically I’m taking out all things that make life worth living are unhealthy, like chocolate, sugar, fried food, red meat, caffeine, wheat and dairy, and I’m replacing them with lots of vitamins, water, fresh fruits and vegis, chicken, fish and brown rice.

I’m only three days in…

Making this change right before the holidays may not have been the smartest decision, but honestly I can’t put my health on hold any longer. I can’t pretend that if I ignore it it will go away. This is one of my challenges in life. We all have them. It’s how we choose to cope with them that matters. I am choosing to do what I can to take control.

Because frankly, I’m out of options.

Blogfully yours,

Summer

Just me, NOT light and fluffy, TMI Friday

***WELCOME to the second edition of “TMI Friday” (Too Much Information Friday). This is a weekly feature on Blogfully Yours where I hover the line of “over-sharing”.***

I’m six feet tall.

That is not an euphemism, I am literally six feet tall.

Growing up I always got asked if I played on my high school basketball team, volley ball team, track team, etc. Sadly, sports was never my thing so I had to answer “no.” To which people would always shake their head and say, “shame, lettin’ all that height go to waste”.

Because what good is being tall if you are not going to play sports?

I did try. Which is to say I tried out for the volleyball team once. I didn’t make the cut. Something to do with my lack of ability to actually hit the ball. I guess that’s an important part.

So, no, I did not play sports. I did however go to two different modeling schools.  Yep, I learned how to strut on the catwalk and smile pretty for the camera instead of dribble a basket ball.

Apparently I wasn’t good at modeling either, because it never resulted in anything but a short lived eating complex and low self esteem. In modeling, you are never enough–never skinny enough, never pretty enough, never proportioned in the right places enough–so ultimately while I dreamed of fame, adoration, exotic photo shoots and fortune, I didn’t hate myself enough to get there.

What to do with all this height then?

If I could, I would share it with some of my “vertically challenged” friends. Giving them two or three inches would certainly make it easier to find pants long enough for me…

But, since that is not an option, I figure I’ll put it to good use by assisting friends who can’t reach the top shelf while cooking me dinner, make short men feel intimidated (especially when I wear heels), get to places faster with my long strides, hide extra weight by spreading it over more surface area, keep Shick Razors in business, and give people a reason to whisper to their friends, “geeze she’s tall. I bet she played sports in high school.”

Blogfully yours,

Summer

Just me, TMI Friday

Recently I read an essay about whether college students—the ones who are straight out of high school—are considered adults or children.

I think they are neither.

In the essay (“Campus Climate Control” in case you are curious), the author mainly debates the needs for a balance between no adult supervision and an overly dominate presence on campus. I’m not particularly interested in that part and I can’t speak to what campus life is like. What I can share are my own feelings of going through that child-not-yet-adult stage.

I remember very clearly the strange transition from being under my parent’s ever present watch and guidance to being on my own to make my own decisions. All of a sudden I was working a full time job. I had credit cards and a lease on an apartment. I was completely dumbfounded by the amount of responsibility that was seemingly handed to me overnight. I kept thinking ‘when are these people going to realize I have no idea what I am doing?’

I was still a teenager but I had utility bills and a car lease in my name! Soon it became almost a  game of sorts to see just how many people would extend credit to me. After a while I had credit cards (and bills) for every major department and retail store in town. I had no one to tell me to be careful or to watch what I was doing, so I took the feeling of freedom and the high I got from buying whatever I wanted and I ran with it!

Before I knew it my monthly bills were leaving me with no discretionary income. I was grocery shopping in my parents kitchen (something I still do from time to time) and using my credit card (that wasn’t at its limit) to buy gas for my car.

Outside of bills, I had no one to remind me how important it was to wake up and go to class because education actually is important, so I dropped out—a mistake I would realize ten years later.

At the time I would tell you that I had everything under control and I knew what I was doing, but truth be told I was scared out of my mind! I kept waiting to feel like an adult, but most of the time I felt like a kid dressing up in her moms clothes.

It was a weird scary place to be that’s for sure, one that I am so glad I do not live in anymore. Not that this next stage of NOT being asked for ID when you go to the liquor store is so great or anything. I’m just saying it’s nice to finally know what I am doing.  It’s nice to not be in the “neither” stage. It’s nice to be… an adult?

Blogfully yours,

Summer

Just me, Lessons Learned, Story Time

A few nights ago I went over to my sister Staci’s house for my monthly kitchen beauty parlor experience. Karina the Russian must have been bored because she came over too with her two Russian children in tow to watch me get my hair done.

While the hair dye was processing we threw a pizza in the oven for the kids and Staci decided show us her domestic skills, which if you know me or either of my sisters you would know and accept that we have none. Fortunately you can’t really go wrong with Cheesy Egg Burritos which is what she made, complete with Cholula Hot Sauce on top. She told us,”This is so perfect because I have one carton of eggs that is going to expire in a few days so I am glad you are here to help me eat them.”

I have to say the burritos were excellent.

When I got home I started thinking about the eggs in my fridge and how I haven’t so much as looked at them since I bought them.

They expired in May.

Truthfully I didn’t even know eggs had an expiration date. I mean I guess it makes since that they do, but I never really thought about it. Milk sure, but eggs? Who knew? Obviously not me because I NEVER BUY THEM! But for some odd reason, when I went to the grocery store 2 months ago, I thought, what the hell? Maybe I’ll make breakfast one of these weekends when I am home.

I’ve tried to tell ED that I actually do know how to cook and that once I move into a place with a bigger kitchen I’ll actually use it. This story is not doing me any favors to convince him.

Meh.

Suzy Homemaker I am not. Honestly that’s just not me. But ask me to make you my signature Grape Russian, Peppermint Martini, or a Screwdriver and you will see that I more than make up for my lack of “traditional” domestic skills.

Blogfully yours,

Summer

Just me, Uncategorized

I’m a pretty tough chick most of the time. I kill my own spiders (granted I freak out a little and feel like they are crawling on me for next 10 minutes, but I still do it), I hike up mountains, I take out the trash, I wakeboard, I assemble my own furniture and I hang my own pictures. I consider myself an independent woman who takes care of herself and doesn’t take crap from anyone.

Yeah, I’m tough like that.

At the gym last night, right in the middle of their busiest time, I strutted up to the free weights section to work on my arms. I used to rarely venture into the “man zone” as I liked to call it, but since I have been working out with my personal trainer boyfriend ED I have become a lot more confident in my ability and my knowledge of what to do with all those dumbbells.

So I strutted up there, full of all my tough girl confidence, wearing my pink workout clothes and black workout gloves with the fingers cut out and began going through the exercises ED had shown me. I glanced in the mirror and saw two muscle heads working out together and looking at me. No biggie I thought, I’m sure I’m just blocking their view of the mirror. I scooted down a little and started on my next exercise.

The few girls who were also brave enough to be in the “man zone” slowly disappeared and in their place sweaty men with wandering eyes emerged. I continued on. A large serial killer looking man walked between me and the mirror, staring at me while he does so and positions himself next to me still looking right at me.

That’s when panic started to set in.

Everywhere I looked I felt eyes on me. Man eyes on me. Apparently all of the women in the gym, including Karina the Russian, were upstairs in the Zoomba class. My heart started to race for reasons other than my work out until finally, in the middle of a set; I had to get out of there.

I left because too many men encroached in my space… at a gym… in the “man zone”.

So much for my tough girl persona.

Am I alone here? Do you ever get intimidated when you go to the gym?

Blogfully yours,

Summer

Just me

There are few things better than the first true sunny spring day at the park. I work a few blocks away from Liberty Park and I often spend my lunch breaks there eating in the car. Rarely have I ever gotten out of the car, but yesterday was different. The sun was out and I couldn’t bear the thought of not soaking it in – fear be damned! I spotted the perfect location, a gazebo out in the middle of the pond. No one was sitting there. It had my name written all over it. I exited my comfort zone of confined car door walls, and started the short walk over to my lunch destination. Walking along in my business attire, sharp heels aerating the lawn as I stepped on the moist grass. I felt the soft breeze swirl around me and wished I had the sense to pack a light jacket. I had been so excited to hear that the temperature would be in the 70’s that nothing else mattered, outside of wearing the new sleeveless spring top I had purchased 3 weeks prior.

Just me, Random

Just me, Nerdom