I feel like I have been running a marathon lately. Only it’s a marathon I have no chance of winning. I feel like everybody needs something from me and I am letting everybody down because I only have so much to give.

I’m tired. I’m tired of feeling like a failure. I’m tired of being behind. I’m tired of not being on top of things.

A few weeks ago my my body decided it had been feeling well for too long and it was time to remind me not to take it for granted. I felt the pain gradually building. The first week it was was mild, an annoyance that could easily be overcome with Ibuprofen. The second week it started hitting more intense until finally I couldn’t fake like everything was fine. I was doubled over in pain. Having lived with chronic pain for most of my adult life, feeling the pain come back so strong sent me into a panic attack which, of course, only made things worse.  How long is the pain going to last? Is it back for good? Will I need surgery…for the third time? Why is my body so broken? I can’t go through this again.

The pain was worse than normal. I knew something above and beyond my normal endometriosis had to be wrong. When I went to the doctor he told me that I had an orange inside me. I looked at him quizzically. I mean, who says that? Apparently the orange he was referring to was a huge cyst on my ovary called an endometrioma.

Good news: no surgery.

Bad news: the treatment is pain management until the pain goes away in 2-4 weeks.

I hate pain pills. I hate being dependent on them. Nothing will depress me more than watching the clock, counting down the time until I can take another pill because the pain is just that intense.

That was two weeks ago.

Today I am finally doing better in the pain department. The being behind in every other way department is another story. The worst part is, I am so mentally exhausted that I can’t seem to find the drive to make myself do things. I’m behind in two of my three college classes but instead of having a productive day getting caught up, I slept in.

I slept in and I felt good about it.

Sleep. It’s a beautiful thing.  It’s the cure for mental exhaustion. When your healthy in the head, the rest of life’s challenges seem so much more achievable.

Blogfully yours,

Summer

I don’t get them.

Don’t get me wrong. I am a little bit of a gym rat, which means I go two or three times a week (on a good week). Only when I go? Cardio gets the shaft. I warm up for 10, sometimes 15 minutes on the treadmill and that is it. I guess I’m just more of a weights and machines type of gal.

Sometimes though, I get a little crazy and think that running sounds fun.

Kind of like how I always try orange juice at breakfast. I keep thinking that one day I will actually like it. Then I remember that without vodka or champagne in it, it’s just acidic and sour.

The same thing happens with running. I see other people running and think “hey, I should really give running another shot” only to end up sweaty, out of breath and with shinsplints. In other words, feeling acidic and sour.

A few weeks ago, Utah took a break from pretending like it’s still January long enough to have one sunny beautiful day. Driving home I passed a dozen or so runners. Of course I took that as a sign that I too should go for a run.

To be honest, it was a fairly nice little jog. When I finished, I figured I was good on the running front for another month or two.

The next day ED invited me to run in a 5K with him.

Eff!

So much for my sampling and discarding routine. Now I actually have to…try. Of course I could have said no, but ED assured me I had two weeks to train and that’s plenty of time to prepare to run three miles.

Yeah…

The race is now in five days and I’ve ran three time (including last night). None of which were for a full three miles at a time.

I feel like such a fitness failure.

Maybe I’ll just buy some snazzy, overpriced running clothes so I look the part. That way I can fake an injury and hobble across the finish line and no one would be the wiser that I am actually not a runner. Then, when they ask if there is anything they can get me, I’ll tell them orange juice.

Blogfully yours,

Summer

Sarah is great to work out with because she follows my lead as I  take her through my normal routines. She is not quite the gym rat that I am (I’m dating a personal trainer, what do you expect?), but she knows enough to spot me when I need help.

That said, there are some drawbacks to working out with Sarah.

Like when we show up at the gym wearing the EXACT. SAME. CLOTHES.

Yep, that right there is two gals, both sporting bangs, wearing gray 3/4 length sweatpants and baby pink tank tops.

You should have seen us doing lunges in unison while holding matching weights.

Actually, I’m glad you didn’t. Wearing matching clothes is cute when you are 12, not so much when you are… older than 12.

Something tells me we might start checking to see what each other is wearing before we go to the gym from now on.

Blogfully yours,

Summer

It’s become a part of my routine.

It jump starts my day.

So believe me when I say, it pains me GREATLY to part with it!

As I’ve mentioned, I have stared a nutrition plan to help with my Endometriosis. Honestly I feel healthier in all aspects except my pain level, which is currently through the roof. I flat out don’t get it. Frankly, it has been incredibly frustrating to say the least.

There are two items on the “to avoid” list that up until Sunday (night) I have not been willing to part with: coffee and alcohol. I’ve been cutting back, but I haven’t completely nixed them from my diet. But after spending way too much time popping Ibuprofen every 4-6 hours and running up the electrical bill from my heating pad (which is on most of the time I am home); I’ve decided it’s time to cut my coffee addiction cord…*sigh*… and remove the majority of alcoholic beverages from my life as well.

My hope is this is not forever. My hope is this is a temporary freeze… just until I can get my pain level back under control again.

People I am GIVING UP COFFEE.

I can’t believe I’ve been reduced to this. Anyone want my ovaries? I’ve about had it with them.

Blogfully yours,

Summer

I hate when I hurt.

It sends me into all sorts of upsetness.

Back in December I started researching a new nutrition plan to help with my Endometriosis. I began working it into my everyday life, little by little, in the hopes that a holistic approach to my condition would be the answer. Right now I’m buying organic everything, which, holy shit is expensive! I’ve cut out all the “bad” foods (well most of them anyway) and I am making an honest go at it.

I mean, last week I turned down a FREE asiago cheese bagel for chrissake!

Truth be told, I’ve felt really good for the most part. But right now, I feel like there are multiple knives shoved in my lower abdomen and each knife is getting twisted at a regular interval just so I don’t forget they are there. I don’t even know if that makes sense. I JUST EFFING HURT!

Why do I hurt? I mean, outside of the obvious endometriosis thing.

I can’t say entirely for sure, but I think it has to due with the fact I went to see the Utah JAZZ play.

You heard me.

The tickets were amazing! We were in a suite catered with yummy food which was entirely NOT on my nutrition plan. I ate it anyway.  I washed it down with two glasses of “non-approved” wine too.

Pain woke me up the next morning.

Is that really it? Is my body–after less than a month of mostly clean eating–so upset that I dared eat a meatball and some cheesy artichoke dip, that it would cause me this much pain? Really?

I know I am giving myself a bit of a pity party, but that? That is pure BULLSHIT!

I’m sorry, but as I sit here, waiting for the pain pills to kick in and pounding out my frustrations on the key board, I can’t help but feel the way I do. Anyone who has read this blog will know I try to stay positive for the most part, but right now I am tired. I am flat out tired of feeling this way. And what’s worse is I know I am exacerbating my symptoms by getting upset about them. Stress is another trigger. So is working out, which I totally did.

I hate this. I feel like I just can’t win.

Blogfully yours,

Summer

Following the advise of my ridiculously fit boyfriend–who happens to double tripple as my nutrition coach, personal trainer and biggest supporter–I made a ginormous healthy gouloshey type meal composed of pretty much all of the food I have left in my kitchen.

- One maranated baked chicken breast (I don’t remember what I maranated it in), diced up.

- One package of frozen summer vegitables.

- One box of “All Natural Brown and Wild Rice”.

Simply cook all above ingredients separately, then throw them all together, and VOILA! You’ve got three meals (two if you have a larger appetite) just waiting to be heated up!

Umm.... healthy crap.

I know the picture doesn’t do it justice, but I swear to you it really is good.

Now the hard part… remembering to take it with me when I leave the house!

Blogfully yours,

Summer

PS – do you pre-prepare any healthy meals? If so, LET ME KNOW! I’m in need of some ideas.

After giving the medical field more than their fair chance to treat me like a lab rat, I’ve decide it’s time I take matters into my own hands.

The plan I am about to outline to you will seem somewhat unattainable. Truth be told, it is. Which is why I am using it more as a stringent guideline that I follow as best I can.

I mean, no one, including me, honestly believes I am going to completely give up coffee, chocolate or alcohol, so why set myself up for failure? Plus “guideline” sounds so much less depressing.

My new nutrition plan’s “guidelines” do not allow me to have any of the following items:

- Red meat

- Dairy (including cheese)

- Wheat or product containing flour (gluten)

- Refined sugars and honey (including chocolate)

- Alcohol

- Coffee

- Fried food

- Soy products

- Additives and preservatives

All of these items cause inflammation, increased estrogen levels or negative prostaglandin (I don’t know what that last one means… but it sounds really bad!).

Again, these are guidelines I am following as best I can.

At first glance you might be wondering what the hell else is there to eat?

Well I’ll tell you.

TACOS!

They have to be chicken… and in a corn tortilla… and without cheese. But, TACOS! I love TACOS and they are totally doable! So are vegetables, rice, fish, salads, vitamins and almond or rice milk (no soy remember?).

Yeah, so don’t worry about me finding enough to eat. The guys at the local taco cart are getting to know me VERY well.

Dos pollo tacos por favor, senior!

Plus since I came to the conclusion wine totally isn’t alcohol (it’s fruit, duh!), I’m pretty sure this is a diet nutrition plan I can stick to!

Blogfully yours,

Summer