A friend of my commented to me tonight that “ignorance is bliss” which really got me thinking, IS ignorance really bliss? I won’t lie, for a moment I was completely sold on the idea. But then the next obvious cliche line came to mind; “it is far better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all.” Is that painful statement true? Which one is more accurate?

In my short life time I have loved and I have lost, over and over again. Each time I learn a lesson and I chalk it up to building character and forming me into the person I am today, but, I fear that after every breakup I become more and more jaded.

Outside my apartment there was a couple fighting. I couldn’t hear what the fight was about but it aided in my further reflection on past relationships. I have been in some where yelling came standard. I have been in one where if I dared to raise my voice I was met only with silence. Fighting, or rather, heated discussions, can have the tendency to make you feel alive. To have someone who evokes that much passion in you, to make you feel strongly one way or another, to actually feel the fire raise up inside you until you blow, is…something. Not necessarily good, but something. If nothing else it means you care enough to be upset. The reason this is of significance is because I have also been in relationships where that fire never existed, where I never cared enough to get upset. Truly, to know happiness you must know sorrow. You will never appreciate pleasure without having experienced pain. So where is the happy medium?

Sometimes I begrudge all of the pain that my search for love has caused me. I am, of course, no saint and have caused my share of pain along the way. I feel it is only natural to wish none of it had ever happened at all, that I had never felt a broken heart, had never cried myself to sleep, that I never knew the regret of loosing someone I truly cared about. Deep down I crave love, just as I am sure so many of you do, but I also fear it. Sometimes I feel it is easier to just keep my heart guarded and locked away. If you never let anyone in, you can never get hurt, right? But even that is not true because you hurt yourself in the process.

Honestly I don’t have any answers. Maybe if I did I wouldn’t be writing this post instead of finishing my math homework. But I wanted to put down my thoughts before I lost them and decided it wasn’t worth revisiting again…because reflection hurts. It may help you grow, but it stings in the process.

Your comments on the subject are welcome here. Don’t hold back.

Blogfully yours,
Summer

Emotions get the best of me, Just me, sometimes I get on a soap box

I ran out of coffee about a week ago. My best friend Karina the Russian instantly recognized that this was going to take it’s toll on me and insisted that I wake up 10 minutes earlier so that I could come over to her place, which is only 5 minutes from my apartment, for coffee. Last week I came over twice. She made me eggs with sausage and toast made of hotdog buns one of the mornings.
On Friday we had a movie night and sleepover complete with pajamas and facials. After our second glass of wine she confessed that she had sent her 2 kids to stay with her mom for the weekend not because she needed a break, but because she had no food left in her house. That is a truly sad thing to say, but we find it better to laugh about being broke, you never cry about it. So we raided her kitchen and found some Russian cookies that tasted like Animal Crackers and dipped them in some sort of Russian chocolate hazelnut spread. The very last of her food.
On Sunday I needed to go to the store to pick up a few items and decided that Karina and her kids (which she calls “our kids” as in “Summer, your daughter is out of control can you do something about that” or “Honey your children miss you! Where have you been?”) needed food more than I did. I bought them some essentials like bread, peanut butter, milk, corn dogs, juice boxes and some Mickey Mouse shaped cheese (yes I do consider fun shaped food an essential). She was completely floored when I showed up with the food. I told her that I just did it so that when I came over there I would have something to eat. We celebrated the new food by sitting on her porch and having a juice box and fresh peaches. With Karina you celebrate everything. It’s part of the reason I love her.
This morning I went over for coffee and my amazing Russian friend had gotten up early enough to get herself and the kids ready then made coffee and a peanut butter and home made jelly sandwich for me to take for lunch and one for breakfast as well. I almost cried right then and there.
In this world there are few things more important than friendship. Although Karina and I have only known each other for a year and a half it feels as if we have known each other forever. It’s funny though, so many people do not understand friendship. Both Karina and I have dated men who have accused us of being more than friends. Like the only reason to do something nice for someone else is because you have hidden motives of lust. Idiots. They must not have ever had a best friend. Because if they had, they would know that it’s just what friends do. Best friends look out for each other, they tell each other that they love them, they lift each other up when they are down and they make peanut butter and jelly sandwiches just to show how much they care.

Emotions get the best of me, K to the R stories, Lessons Learned, Loved One(s)

Urgh! I have a sickening confession to make. It’s horrible and some of you might think differently about me after I tell you. I don’t know if I should even confess it. In fact it should probably remain my deep dark secret. But then where is the fun in that? Besides we’re all friends here right? Me and my good ‘ol friend the world wide web. You’ll keep my secret right? Right. OK so here it is. I missed a boy. I know! I’m such a sap! Totally disgusted with myself. I have been so good at keeping emotions out of relationships but the tricky little bastards crept in uninvited! Yuck! Don’t tell me this is the start of more…feelings! Gross! Who needs those? They only complicate things and make you…well…feel! I can’t go around with all these feelings. I mean it will really put a kink in my tough girl man eater image that I have worked so hard to create. Plus confessing that you have feelings or miss someone is also confessing that you like someone and that is like the kiss of death for me because in 2 weeks from now you’ll ask how things are going with the guy I was missing and by that point either he or I will have moved on and I’ll be all “wait, who are we talking about again?” Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want that to be that case but if my track record is any indication then well, you know. But the worst part of these icky missing him feelings is that they just kind of hit me. He went out of town and then I’m riding on tracks with Karina the Russian and I turn to her and say “I know this is going to sound strange, but I miss him.” and then she starts taunting me singing “you miss a boooy! You miss a boooy! Summer likes a booooooy!”
Stupid feelings. Stupid yucky gross feelings.

Emotions get the best of me, Just me, K to the R stories

Know how some times you stop and think, hey, my life is pretty damn awesome! I have a lot going for me, my heads on strait, I’m in control of my destiny, I have great friends and family and a whiny cat that loves me. I’m taking on college even though everyone is 5 or 10 years younger than me I am still going to kick butt at school cause I rock! I’m in good shape, I’ve got a modeling gig of sorts this weekend and its sunny and beautiful outside and I’ve got a job that pays the bills and I’m going on vacation to CALI baby in 2 weeks and gosh darn it LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL!!!!? Then out of nowhere you get a text from your x-husband who has been, up until recently, your best friend for the past 10 years saying “Happy late birthday” only 2 weeks late when he has never forgotten before and you made it a point to wish him a happy birthday ON his birthday and then all of the hurt feelings you have been suppressing deep down inside come rushing to the surface and you find yourself crying alone in the bathroom but you are not crying just because he finally remembered, you are crying because he is engaged and living with his soon to be wife and her 3 kids and he killed your old dog, well he gave him to the humane society so you don’t really know, but the point is that you trusted him to take care of that dog and then when he offered to let you say goodbye to your dog you couldn’t even take him up on it so now your dog Winston keeps visiting you in your dreams and more and more emotions start flooding to the surface and you are asking yourself am I going to start my period? Where are all of these emotions coming from? What is my deal here? Then you choke back the tears, clean yourself up and hide in your office so no one sees that your eyes are red.

Ever have one of those days?

Yeah…me too.

Emotions get the best of me, Just me