I keep thinking if I run fast enough, occupy my life and mind with enough activities, then the reality won’t be true. The moment I slow down I am overwhelmed by emotions and the next thing I know I’m driving 75 with blurred vision.

“You know Summer, you can’t do this forever. You need to deal with this, have a break down. It’s not healthy to do what you are doing.” Caring words I know to be true, spoken by a loved one.

“Maybe tomorrow,” is all I reply. 

Today is tomorrow.

You’d think with as many break-ups as I’ve been through I’d be a pro at going through them. Which, maybe I am. Only this time it’s so much harder because it wasn’t a two month let’s try this out sort of relationship. This was a you’re the one I am going to spend the rest of my life with kind of relationship.

Cue the water works.

Rather than publicly hash out the details of our break-up I wanted to write about all the ways I have NOT been dealing with it over the past week. You see, when you are in a relationship you get used to always checking in with your significant other. Not in a controlling way, more in a how was your day way. Now that I have no one to check in with, I thought I’d just check in with you, Internet.

ED and I broke up on a Monday night. It still seems so weird to say.

Tuesday I took a half day off work (which was a life saver because I couldn’t stop crying, nor could I concentrate to save my life) and went boating with my parents, Karina the Russian, and our Russian children.

Being at the lake was theraputic for me. I have gone boating every summer since I can remember. There is a bit of magic in the mountain water and for brief moments of time I was able to forget that my life had just been drastically altered. 

Wednesday I made it through an entire day of work, went to class, and went to the 311 concert with Karina the Russian and my sister Staci.

I drove seperately. I said it was because I had to work early the next day – which I did – but it was also because I knew I wouldn’t be able to fake happy all night long, especially since the last time I saw 311 in concert was with ED. 

I called up my friend Sarah on the drive home to talk me off of a ledge.

Thursday I went to dinner and then to the Twilight Concert (a free outdoor concert put on every Thursday during the summer) with some co-workers and Karina the Russian. It got done fairly early and despite my co-worker taunting me that I don’t know how to let go and just have fun, I decided to go home. Only I didn’t. The thought of going home to an empty house was too much so I deviated my course into the arms of my wonderful friend Susan who opened the door with a large glass of wine in hand for me. She let me cry until the wine dried up the tears.

Friday I went back up to the lake with my family for some more water therapy.

Friday night was my cousin’s birthday (Happy Birthday Emmie!). The day before she had text to invite ED and I to come out for her birthday. I had a minor break down at the realization of how many people have known us as a package deal and how many people I am going to have to tell that we broke up. But I digress.

I met Emmie, my sister Staci and a group of Emmie’s friends for a few drinks. Can I just say that I was soooo not ready to be at a popular bar downtown on a Friday night? Within the first ten minutes of arriving I saw three people who I had previously dated. Obviously Salt Lake City is too small of a town. Luckily I had my sister watching over me and survived without being auctioned off at the meat market. I spent that night curled up next to her in bed, again not wanting to be home alone.

Saturday I did laundry and looked for a new place to live (more on that later this week). Then I went to my parents house for a BBQ and to light fireworks. For those of you reading this who are not from Utah, the 24th of July is Pioneer Day. It’s celebrated like a second 4th of July only we are lighting fireworks to celebrate our state being settled by the Mormon pioneers instead of the nations independence.

Saturday night I went home alone, in bed by 10 and completely sober.

Sunday… my day to deal with things. I spent my morning cleaning, writing and reflecting then took a mid-day break for lunch and shopping with Sarah. My evening was spent with vodka and sappy movies.

What? We all cope differently.

From this post I am sure you can see that I have the worlds greatest friends and family. They have been in a constant rotation of checking on me to make sure I have enough alcohol and moral support. I feel so fortunate that they are in my life. I would be a wreck without them.

One week down, forever to go.

Blogfully yours,

Summer

Dating debating, ED is not Emotionally Disturbed, Emotions get the best of me, Loved One(s), NOT light and fluffy, Out and About

The other night, I was cuddled up in bed next to my sweetheart, softly dreaming away. Only my dreams are never actually soft, mostly they are twisted and on the rare occasion they are downright physical.

I can’t say for certain, because dreams are always a little hazy, but what I remember of this night’s dream was that ED was training me and Sarah at the gym and every time she would turn her head he would try to grab my ass or grope me in some kind of flirty way. I kept telling him to knock that shit off because I didn’t want to get caught or embarass my friend. Finally, after telling him several times to quit it, I got so frustrated that I punched him.

Only I punched him in real life.

Of course it woke him up. Confused he asked, “Babe… did you just punch me in the back?”

Half awake I mumbled, “Sorry… In my dream you deserved it.”

A little while later on this same night, ED started talking in his sleep! Not just inaudible sentences either. He started speaking as if he was perfectly wide awake. It woke me and I half sat up and said, “sweetie, what are you talking about?”

He told me he was showing someone the gym, rolled over and went back to sleep.

That morning, ED had to get up early to train a client. He is a well trained good man and does his best not to disturb me so I can sleep in. As he bent down to kiss me goodbye, I woke up enough to tell him again that I really was sorry for punching him in the back.

He just laughed.

Apparently he is getting used to my brand of crazy. Which is a good thing, because it’s starting to wear off on him too.

Blogfully yours,

Summer

Dating debating, ED is not Emotionally Disturbed, Story Time

***“TMI Friday” (Too Much Information Friday) is a weekly feature on Blogfully Yours where I hover the line of “over-sharing”. It’s like therapy for me, without the expense.***

Jealousy…

I’m going to start by saying I hate that I am even writing this. I hate that I am even feeling this messed up feeling in the first place. Like, who am I? I have never been the jealous type. Ever.

Seriously.

But for some crazy ass reason–which mind you , I KNOW is not logical, rational, or based on any sort of realistic anything–I. Get. Jealous!

Like, “cut-a-bitch” jealous.

Of course I don’t “cut-a-bitch”. Because I am not a crazy person. Plus I don’t carry knives on me. But when I am working out at the gym where ED trains, and he has his hands guiding some young flirty girls form? I have to start counting backwards from 10… sometimes 20.

I know. I know!

He is a personal trainer… it is his job… he loves me and would never do anything to hurt me. I KNOW!

But does it make me not see red? Does it make me not feel the way I feel?

No.

What it does do,  is help me to keep my cool and let it go. I fully recognize that it is MY issue. It’s not ED’s fault. It’s not his client(s) fault. This one is all on me. Working out at the same gym where ED trains people is a new thing. I think I just need a little time to get used to it is all.

The last thing I want to do is drive away ED’s clients because they are uncomfortable with the crazy chick in the corner giving them the death-stare.

At least, I’m pretty sure that’s the last thing I want…

*sigh*

Jealousy? She’s a major bitch.

Blogfully yours,

Summer

Dating debating, Emotions get the best of me, TMI Friday, Uncategorized

My darling baby sister and her boyfriend decided to “take a break”. Almost simultaneously, Karina the Russian split up with her dirty rocker boyfriend. Both of my girls have been going through the standard grieving process: anger, crying, regret, cleaning, revenge and finally the let’s go get piss drunk, turn heads and break hearts stage.

I assure you, this is the standard breakup protocol.

We have been going through the process together for years and nearly have it perfected. Only, this time it’s a little different. I simply don’t have the energy to participate in what just may be the most important step; the last one! It’s not that I don’t enjoy going out and having a drink with the girls, I do, it’s just that I don’t have the energy to go out and party with a vengeance. Not to mention, I don’t think once you are in a stable relationship (which you would like to keep stable) that you should.

But… my girls needed me, so I came up with a compromise we could all live with. I met them at the first (of many) bar for a few drinks, and when they had successfully turned enough heads, crushed a few fragile egos and were ready to move on, I did the same. Only I moved on to the warm awaiting arms of my sweetheart.

As I was getting ready to leave, the girls asked me if I was sure I didn’t want to continue on with them. I told them I loved them with all my heart, but that I was good. My darling cousin M.E. – who was also along for the girls night – looked at me and said, “You know, that’s all you have to say. ‘I’m good.’ Because you are. When I met ED I knew you two were good together. I can’t remember the last time I could honestly say that I am good. But when you are, that’s all you have to say. Go home to your man now while we go try to find some.”

It was the sweetest, most understanding thing a single girl could possibly say to someone in a relationship. It was as if she was saying even though they were each going through their own relationship battles, it was OK for me to be happy.

We (or at least I) spend so much time worrying about loved ones trials and thinking if we are actually happy, it somehow means we don’t care. Or we beat ourselves up for not reaching the ridiculous standards we set for ourselves. Sometimes feeling like we deserve to be happy, is so much harder than it should be. It may sound odd, but having permission to be happy? It’s a totally freeing feeling.

As we start a new week, I hope you will grant yourselves permission to be happy. And if you can’t, then I officially grant it for you. You are wonderful just the way you are. Be happy. You deserve it too.

Blogfully yours,

Summer

Dating debating, sometimes I get on a soap box

The battle for equal rights between women and men has been fought for years and still is being fought today. On many fronts women have won, but on some, they have lost. More and more women are making their way into to executive positions. They start their own businesses, defy traditional employment roles, hold political offices, have mortgages, car loans and bank loans in their names. It is not uncommon for women today to juggle a family and household while also maintaining a successful career. Women have demanded equal treatment, and for the most part have, they have it. But when it comes to relationship roles and dating, where is the line drawn?

If I look at this from a man’s point of view, I can see how this independent breed of women can be intimidating and a little confusing—do they want me to pay? Should I open the door? Get her coat?—and they wind up mistaking equal rights as an excuse to treat women as if they are men, forgoing chivalrous behaviors out of fear of offending a woman’s sense of independence. What they do not understand is that while women are indeed more independent than ever, equal rights will never make a woman a man, and a woman will always want to be treated like a lady.

Women are different by nature. They play a different role, and there is nothing wrong with that. What those roles are in any given relationship will be defined over time and are different for every couple, but the one thing that will remain the same is a woman’s desire to be treated with the adoration she deserves. Giving women equal rights, equal pay, equal treatment, will not change that. If a man wants to have a successful relationship with a woman, he needs to realize that being a gentleman will never go out of style, and chivalry is a trait women desire in their partner.

That said, I am realistic enough to know that just as women’s rights have evolved, so have the roles of chivalry. Women no longer expect a man to lay down his coat so they don’t have to step into a puddle of water, but if it’s cold out when you are walking to the car, it’s never a bad idea to offer up your jacket. And speaking of cars, while you are there, open the car door for her. Some women have started not to expect men to open their car door—building doors, yes (always yes), car doors, not so much—but it will always be appreciated.

Many men may feel confused as to what women’s expectations, when it comes to dating, are. Successful independent women are looking for men who take care of themselves. This extends into three areas, first of which is the overall physical appearance of a man. A man who dresses sharp and is well groomed shows he put time and effort into getting ready which is impressive to women because it shows he put thought and effort into trying to make a good impression. Women go to great extremes to take care of themselves, especially for a date, so a man who does the same speaks to his thoughtfulness.

The second part is on the career front. Women want a man who has as much ambition as they do. That is not to say every man needs to be a doctor, he can work for a coffee shop so long as he has dreams and goals he is aspiring to achieve.

The third area of appearance is not a physical one; it is the appearance of intelligence. A man should be up to date on current events and be able to speak intelligently on a variety of topics. Entertaining conversation will keep a woman interested and intrigued. Some women claim there is nothing more attractive than a man who can make her laugh.

Another area of equal rights dating confusion is the expectation of whether or not men should pay on a date. Recently I came across a debate over this very topic over at my friend Nilsa’s blog,  SoMi Speaks. She took the stance that women should in fact pay their own way, stating:

“I expect these freedoms. I expect my independence. And as a result, I expect to pay my fair share in life. I don’t care who asked whom out on a date. If you don’t know the guy and this is your first time meeting, you should both pay your own way. Or at least you should make a legitimate effort to do so. And if the guy takes you up on the offer, don’t think poorly of him. Don’t look down on him. Don’t consider it a test. Consider it equitable and fair.”

To which I disagree, but find it important to share both sides of the issue.

It is my opinion that men should in fact pay… at least in the beginning. My reasoning stems back to the stance that all women want to be adored and wooed. I don’t care if the woman makes more than the man. A man paying still shows that he is willing to make an effort to impress her, therefore proving he thinks she is worth it and/or special. One word of caution to the women out there is to be careful that you are “worth it”. As one relationship correspondent points out, “Chivalry isn’t about getting things in return, it’s about being recognized to a degree for your actions and knowing that the person you are with will also treat you right. Chivalry is a two-way street, in which you shouldn’t be taken for a ride.”

In other words, a little appreciation and recognition will go a long way.

As relationships progress—depending on the roles you establish—this rule may or may not still apply. But, no matter what roles you establish, a woman’s desire to feel special will never change, and there is no trait more desirable in a man than the ability to make a woman feel special.

Speaking from personal experience, one of the things I love about my current relationship is how chivalrous ED is and the way he likes to, for lack of a better term, take care of me. Not because he thinks I am incapable of caring for myself or need to be rescued—because as an independent woman I certainly do not—but  because he thinks I am worth it. He treats me as if I matter to him, and he doesn’t want to lose me. If he were to treat me like a man, like one of his male friends, my need to feel special would not be met.

Outside of entertaining a woman with words, the way a man lets a woman know how he feels about her is through his actions…by treating her with respect…by treating her like a lady. Believe me when I say, women pay attention to every action or missed opportunity presented. They are watching to see how interested a man is in them and in turn how interested they are in response.

Blogfully yours,

Summer

***Whew! Did you make it all the way through? This is an edited version of an essay I had to write for college. What did you think?***

Dating debating, Essays

What do you say when things are actually going OK in your life?

A few nights ago I spent an evening with two of my closest friends who are both going through a rough spot with their significant others. I listened to their stories, gave them hugs when they cried, used tough love where necessary and told them they are strong, beautiful, amazing women who can do anything they want! They are in control of their destiny and don’t let anyone tell them differently! GOT IT SISTER???

Sadly, I couldn’t join in with my own stories and upset feelings. I say sadly because everyone likes a good Bitch Fest. Here I am with the perfect opportunity to talk about all of the stupid little things that ED does that have been driving me crazy! A perfect time to vent my pent up frustrations!

But alas, I had none to share. Not right now. Not about ED anyway. Things are going ridiculously good between us and we all know the last thing a woman wants to hear when she is upset with her current relationship is how happy someone else is. Even if they love you and are happy for you, they are just not in a state to hear about it. In fact there is an unspoken rule when you attend a Bitch Fest: Save your mushy, lovey, “Oh my god he is so sweet because…” stories for another day or find yourself uninvited!

That’s how it goes. I don’t make the rules, I just live by them

I leave tomorrow for Mexico to spend just under a week on vacation with ED. My only hope is that he does a few asshole things while we are gone because I DO NOT want to get uninvited to the Bitch Fests because once you’ve been ousted from one you will find it very hard to ever get another invite.

Apparently word travels with these things.

Blogfully yours,

Summer

Bag full of complaints, Dating debating

Today is my boyfriend ED’s birthday. Today he turns the ripe ol’ age of 30.

That’s right, Dirty Thirty.

Having been his girlfriend for the past seven months I know the very last thing in the world he would want for me to do is to gush any personal information about him. He is a very private person and I am, well I am a blogger.

Nuff said?

However, because it is his birthday I can not do nothing. It is my duty as a blogging girlfriend to either gush about him or embarass him. Luckily, by gushing I am able to accomplish both.

Things I love about ED:

- His 15 year old sense of humor. Sadly we are a lot alike in this area. Although recently I did have ask him to limit the amount of “your mom” jokes to under 10 per day.

- His old fashion values. ED is a country boy and he is chalk full of country boy values. He is chivalrous but believes men and women are equals. He always open the door for me and if he saw a stranded motorist, he would be the guy who would stop.

- The way he encourages and believes in me even when I don’t believe in myself. If it was not for him I may never have pushed myself any harder or further with my college education than an associates degree.

- How he likes to take care of me – mentally and physically. He listens to my rambling stories and patiently waits for me to get to the point in my long round about way and he hugs me when I cry. He keeps me healthy and active and I never go hungry when we are together.

- He has accepted me, along with all my quirks and emotional baggage, and loves me a surprisingly large amount. Sometimes I am shocked by the abnormally sweet things he does and he will ask me, “when are you going to realize just how much I love you?”

- Lastly, I love who I am with him. We have all been in those relationships where you feel like you lose yourself or you don’t like the person you are becoming. With ED I feel like I am me… but the best version of me I have yet to know.

Happy birthday baby! Here’s to being together and loving each other for a very long time, and by a very long time I mean “as far into the foreseeable future as possible”… which means forever.

Blogfully yours,

Summer

Dating debating, Emotions get the best of me, Loved One(s), Uncategorized

It’s no secret that my domestic skills are, well, lacking. I have no food in my fridge and the when I do buy food it goes bad (by the way, yes, I did finally throw out the expired eggs in my fridge).  But somehow I have managed to survive on my own and not starve to death. Barely.

Last week ED picked me up from the airport after my trip to Chicago.  I knew he wouldn’t be able to stay long due to some other obligations. Not wanting to make him feel bad about having to leave so quickly I told him I was fine to find food on my own. To which he laughed. In an effort to prove him wrong I walked into my kitchen to show him that yes, I actually do have some food in my house… somewhere. You just have to be creative.

“Summer you are like the cousin Eddie on the Griswalds. ‘I don’t know why they call it Hamburger Helper because I’ve made it before and it tastes just fine without’. You have tuna helper but no tuna. You have Eggo waffles but no syrup. Honey you don’t even have milk! Please, let me order us some Chinese food?”

To which I broke down and bawled, not because he kept comparing me to Cousin Eddie (who apparently makes his own ketchup too), but because he cares enough to put off pressing plans to make sure I don’t die of hunger.

If that ain’t love then I don’t know what is.

Blogfully yours,

Summer

PS – If you are not familiar with Cousin Eddie click HERE.

Dating debating, Uncategorized

ED and I went on our first ever double date. It was us and ED’s best friend and his wife. We went to dinner and after we went to Poplar Street to watch a blues band play called Blues 66. They were absolutely amazing. We ended the night around 10:30 because the other couple has children and babysitters to attend to. 

Dating debating, Emotions get the best of me, Loved One(s)

As some of you may or may not know, ED and I dated 2 years ago which is how he got his blog name “ED” in the first place. It stands for Environmental Dating, as in dating the same person twice or, for all intents and purposes, “recycling”.

Karina the Russian was going through her pictures last night and came across this picture. ED is just so freaking cute I couldn’t help but share it with you. This was during my swoopy bangs period and I think my face looks slightly retarded, but I think you can see he made me (retardedly) happy back then, just like he does now.

Blogfully yours,

Summer

Dating debating, Loved One(s)