Let’s be honest, dating sucks. Especially in the beginning. The bombardment of get-to-know-you questions can be overwhelming to say the least. Nothing drives this point home quite so much as a first date with someone who is dead set on finding out what really makes you tick.
Let’s set the scene, shall we? I am on a first date with “Guy”. He is dropping me off at my car and we are sitting in his SUV chatting.
Guy: “How long ago did you and your ex break up.”
Me: “Oh…hmmm…we broke up last May.”
Guy: “So it’s been over six months now. What went wrong there? Why did you two break up?”
Me: “Well, let’s see…ummmm, I guess we had a lot of communication issues? I mean he is a GREAT guy, but very hard to be in a relationship with. Yeah…so, um, how about you? How long ago did you and your ex break up?”
Guy: “It’s been just over a year. I think I spent the first four months being pissed at her. Then I switched the blame to me and accepted my role in things and it was amazing. As soon as I could let go of my anger I was able to get over things.”
Me: “I know what you mean. I spent the first several months feeling hurt and rejected. I thought that once I left he would realize what he was losing and want me back. But he never did.”
Guy: “Yes but that’s good, right? I mean besides your ego being hurt, isn’t it better that there wasn’t the back and forth and further toying with emotions?”
Me: “Yes….I suppose you have a good point. And just like in your case, as soon as I accepted my role in everything it was easier to let go and start to move on. We had communication issues from the very first date, I just chose to ignore them.. He was always the same person. It was never fair for me to expect him to magically know what to do or to say the right things. So that was on me. I should have known better.”
Guy: “I can see this is still a little fresh for you.”
Me: “Yeah… I guess it kind of is.”
Our date ended with a short hug goodnight. I don’t think he’ll be asking me out again anytime soon.
I would like to believe that I have moved on. I would like to believe that I no longer miss him. For the most part I can shove his memory far enough into the back of my mind that I don’t think of him. But every once in awhile, I find myself on a road trip with nothing but contemplative time, and I admit out loud to myself and the passengers in the car that I still hurt. Or I find myself on an interrogation of a date where no matter how cooly I try to play it, a stranger can see in my eyes that I am still not quite over my broken heart.
That said, this post is not meant to be a lament to missing my ex, nor is it necessarily about first dates. All of that is simply a build up to the conclusion I have come to. This post is about time.
On a work trip to L.A., I woke abruptly in the middle of the night, alone, in a hotel room. I was wide awake with one piercing thought running through my head. I couldn’t stop tossing and turning, rolling this thought over and over in my mind. Finally, in defeat, I turned on the light and scribbled it down on the notepad beside the bed.
Sleeping in the middle of the bed takes time.
Go back to bed and try again.
Time is everything. It takes time to learn how to enjoy being single again. It takes time to mend a broken heart. It takes time to remember how to trust. It takes time to love again.
I don’t have all the answers. All I know is that I believe in time. We shouldn’t take it for granted, like it will always be there, but I do think we should trust in it’s healing powers. We can’t rush the process. We have to take it one day at a time. Pretty soon the right time will come and we won’t have to question it – we will just know, our hearts will feel it. Until then, we have to be patient. We have to be patient with our hearts, the healing process, and love. Love will find us again when we have let go of all of the hurt, bitterness and fear that we cling to as if it will be the thing to save us. It won’t save us, only time will. The sooner we accept this, the better of we’ll be. That is the purpose of this post. To simply say that I have accepted time, with all of it’s flaws and blatant disregard to my own personal timeline, it is the only thing I am putting my trust in.
Until the day when get-to-know-you questions do not unearth emotional wounds and I have mastered how to sleep in the middle of the bed, I trust time.