TMI Friday: The “C” Word
I’ve been slightly absent lately. From this blog, my life, my friends. Everything. The reason being that on Wednesday, October 12th, 2011, I found out that my mother has breast cancer. Since then my time and attention has been devoted to my family. I created a family blog, which if you are a family member and not aware of it, please email me and I’ll send the link.
Here I am sharing my first written attempt at coming to terms with cancer. In it you’ll see I am angry. Very angry, with a side of bitter. I’m less angry now. Now I am just grateful for the medical team we have in place for my mother and the amount of support that has rallied around my family. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.
I’m not sure if the first day or the second is the hardest. This is in part because that is all I’ve survived so far. Will the initial shock, the constant wondering of just how bad it is going to be end up worse than the actual treatment? One day at a time. Just take it one day at a time. That’s the advise I keep hearing. I can’t take it more than one day at a time and therein lies the problem. I want to know what is happening inside my mother’s body. Cancer. What is this cancer thing you speak of? Why does she have it? Please get rid of it. Take it away. Far, far away to a place where I never have to see or hear of it again.
It has been just over 24 hours. Everything is somehow different. My room, the way I breath, my ability to think clearly. Everything. It is breast cancer awareness month ironically enough. What a strange thing to have. Who in this world is unaware of cancer? It is everywhere. We are all afraid of it. Everything causes it, from the sun, to cell phones, to fast food. We are all well aware and yet we do nothing. Why not come up with a month where all other research stops except research to find out a.) how to prevent it, and b.) a cure. How about that idea? No more wearing pink, no more 5K fund raisers, no more ribbons. Let’s just pool all our resources. Take every specialist, doctor, scientist, pathologist, futurist, and brainiac we can find and lock them in a room together. Maybe Google will loan us their chef for good measure to keep them constantly fed and working.
Cancer awareness? I thought I was aware. Turns out I was only aware of what the disease is – not what it does to an entire families well being. I was unaware that a mammogram and an ultrasound could lead to a doctors diagnosis of cancer which would forever change life as I have known it. Is this what we are all supposed to be aware of? That there is a silent killer that destroys lives and peace of mind? Why? So we can live in even more fear? There is nothing we can do about it! Right now I feel the more helpless than I have ever felt in my entire life! My mother is sick. Something toxic is inside her body trying to slowly kill her and there is nothing I can do to fix her. Thank you, breast cancer awareness month, I am now well aware of that.
But you know what? Don’t think for a second that I won’t try. My mother is a fighter and there is absolutely no way she will leave this earth without seeing me married off. Can you believe she actually picked out my wedding date? True story. I’m not even engaged and an hour after dropping the bomb on me that she has cancer, she informs me that I should get married on 12.12.12. She figures by that time she will have beaten cancer, have grown her hair back, and will be well enough to travel to whatever destination wedding we decide on. Plus she likes the date. It’s clever.
That’s my mom for you. If there is a question in her mind as to whether or not she will kick cancer’s ass, she will never, ever, let on to it. It is just an inconvenience of major proportion. She has plans and stuff to do. This whole cancer business is just plain in her damn way.