November 18th (A TMI Friday post… on a Wednesday)
***I originally started this post a few weeks ago, before I began TMI Fridays. This is definitely an “over-sharing” post, but the date is the date I wanted to share this on, so… without further ado, my divorce story.***
Want to hear something crazy? Eight years and three months ago I got married.
Want to hear something sane? Four years and three days ago my divorced was finalized.
I shouldn’t really call that sane. It sounds so harsh… I did, after all, love the guy. We were two love struck kids (high school sweethearts) who became each others best friends, confidants and crutches. We jumped in with both feet. Clinging to each other as if our lives depended on it—at the time, I thought they did.
No one ever gets married thinking they’ll get divorced; I know we didn’t. We were hopeless, young, and naive and we thought we had all the answers. Turns out, we didn’t.
Time has a funny way of changing things and the life I always envisioned never panned out. In its place came bills, mortgage number one, mortgage number two, lack of career direction, the inability to conceive a child and a series of betrayals that caused me to build up a wall, and I hate to sound cliché, but I fell out of love.
I remember distinctly, one not-so-sober night, confessing to a close friend that I didn’t think I wanted to be married anymore. I was, of course, crying. She looked me right in the eyes and, using my maiden name said, “Summer K. Fredrickson, you are a strong, beautiful, independent woman, and if you don’t want to be married anymore, you don’t have to be.”
I left him three days before our four-year anniversary.
That sounds cold… but I did. I left. I left before our anniversary because it felt like a sham to stay through it.
I needed to stand on my own two feet to be successful in this life. I had to spread my wings, assert my independence and find out what I was really made of.
God damn it’s been a long, hard journey.
But you know what? I am so much stronger because of it. I actually like the person I am. I’m proud of how far I have come and that I actually know who I am. Before, I only knew whose girlfriend/fiancé/wife I was.
It seems the more time passes, the more I understand why my marriage ended and the less complicated it becomes… I take that back, it is still complicated; it’s just not as painful and raw to talk about. Because, while I was the one who did the leaving, I also never looked back. That was the one thing I could always take solace in. If I had done the wrong thing, wouldn’t I be filled with regret? Wouldn’t I want to go back? I knew I made the right decision… for me.
Four years later my ex-husband is now re-married and expecting a child. He finished going to school and has his life together. Turns out it was the right decision for him too and I am, in fact, very happy for him.
***
We all choose the paths we walk down. Mine has taken me here.
Blogfully yours,
Summer
Beautiful post, Summer!
Thank you for sharing this, Summer. I also married young, thinking love could solve all my problems. We got engaged after 19 days of meeting, and married 3 months later. Marriage was fine at first, it was like dating but more fun. We lived on student loans, worked part time, traveled to some awesome places with his inheritance money, took fun college classes, and were generally immature at first.
Then I got pregnant, my ex entered into some serious addictions, which turned him into a literally insane monster (and I mean psych ward certifiably insane). He was abusive and I was miserable for 3 of the 5 years we were together. As he continued to struggle, I began to fear for my safety, as well as my daughters’. I was truly committed to our marriage, and endured many more pains most women would have put up with. And then I got to the point that I realized…”I don’t need to be married to happy. I don’t need HIM to be happy. I have a choice to be with him, but I can also choose to not be with him.”
I started to fantasize what my life would be like if I didn’t have to deal with him on a daily basis…and I knew almost instantly that life would be better without him. I filed the paperwork, and the divorce was final within a matter of days. He didn’t contest one bit of it, and he was also relieved for the relationship to end.
Fast forward six years. His decisions and actions led him into some illegal behavior, which has left him in prison for the last 4 years. I’m happily married to a man who TRULY adores me, and I know he’s the right man for me. I often reflect on my earlier relationship choices, and it’s hard to deny that my past decisions made me a stronger, more tolerant, more patient, more empathetic, and committed woman. I am less selfish and more willing to concede and compromise with my husband. I have my ex to thank for bringing my amazing daughter into the world, I’m just glad that he’s no longer a part of mine.
What a lovely post. It’s amazing – that thing called hindsight.
Summer you never cease to amaze me. You are able to put into words what the rest of us are still trying to piece together in our own minds. I too, married young, and after five years of marriage and one child, I think we both realized that only ONE of those five had actually been good…..Imagine 1/5 of 25 years of marriage actually being happy. Neither of us wanted that, and now we’re both remarried to other people, and HAPPY. Much as I hate to say it, my mom was right, I got married too young. Being high school sweethearts, I felt like I had just gone from my parents daughter to someone’s wife. I didn’t know who I was and never knew that I could make it on my own. Such an amazing feeling once you finally see it. The silver lining about the whole thing, is that now I can look back and I refer to it as my “trial marriage” or the “rough draft”, and that experience makes me a better wife now, because I know what NOT to do
Congrats on all the accomplishments and being so strong!
Your ex hubby is a wonderfull man, we should thank him for being a great part of you life and helping you become such a strong women!
I love you!!!