I was a late bloomer. While my friends were holding hands with boys and getting their first kisses, I was doing my best to not be noticed. I had bad acne, braces and I was taller than all of the boys. It wasn’t until I was 15 that I started to discover my own femininity. It was as if everything happened overnight. I got my braces off, finished the medicine that cleared up my acne and started to gain the confidence to hold my head up high. All of the sudden, men started staring at me. At first, it scared me, but then I discovered that men were not the only ones who could stare. I created a little staring game, I called it “The Eye Contact Game”. It was one sided, since I was the only one aware of the game. I would catch a man looking at me, make eye contact and the first person to look away lost. I always won. I remember distinctly being on vacation with my family in Las Vegas walking the strip. I was playing my game and would get such a thrill over the power of being able to make a man blush or become nervous. Of course none of the men ever approached me because I was with my family. I felt safe, in control and highly amused.  Little did I realize the dangers of my little game. Little did I realize that most men are not well intentioned and nothing invites them to disrupt your life more than engaging in eye contact.

The full extent of this danger was not recognized until I reached my mid-twenties. I was recently divorced from a man I married straight out of high school and single for the first time in my adult life. I went out with a few of my girlfriends to a club and quickly realized the rules to my game had changed. The game had been stripped of all of the innocent fun my youthful mind had created. No longer was I protected by my family or a wedding ring. Men became hunters and I was their prey standing unknowingly in the middle of a field inviting them to attack with my eyes.

Quickly my girlfriends came to my aide like protective tigresses watching over their cub. They had been playing the adult version of the eye contact game for quite some time and knew the rules of engagement. They feared–and with good cause–that my naivety would lead me to right into the hunters trap.

I’d like to say they were successful in their mission to protect me, but the truth of the matter is I trusted kind looking men thinking they were decent people only to find that they were not decent at all. They were simply hunters, wanting to feed on my sexuality, my kind heart, my stable nature; and leave me with nothing but emotional scars. After two years in this adult jungle I started to avoid eye contact all together. keeping my eyes on the ground or towards the task at hand. I feared who might be looking at me wherever I went, but wouldn’t dare to look up. On the off chances I did look up, it was in a nervous, fleeting manner and there was definitely no eye contact made. How strange to go from a confident teenager, feeling power from the effect of her glance, to an insecure adult afraid to look at a stranger passing by her on the street.

Now here I sit, nearing 30 and having found a balance that is somewhere near the middle, yet closer to eyes to the floor. My fear of men remains, but I have learned how to smile politely and still give off the vibe of unapproachable. As a female, I do not know what the correct way to look at a man is. I wonder if I were to have a daughter, what would I tell her to ensure she doesn’t make the same mistakes. How do you come across as a confident woman, looking at whomever you please, and not invite them in? And if they do approach, how do you guard against advances and stay true to the type of person you want to be?

Blogfully yours,

Summer

Summer Essays, Story Time