WARNING: In this post I am going to share something personal. If that makes you uncomfortable, check back in a day or two. I promise I will have more light hearted goodness for your enjoyment.
Yesterday morning I had a doctors appointment with my OBGYN. For any of the guys still daring to continue reading, that’s the doctor who takes care of the female stuff. Now that I have lost all my male readers, let’s move on with the story.
I have a medical condition called Endometriosis
. According to WebMD
, “Endometriosis is the development of uterine-lining tissue outside the uterus. Symptoms include abdominal pain, heavy periods, and infertility. Treatments include pain relievers, birth control pills, and surgery.”
I have been dealing with this for over 10 years. I’ve tried every type of treatment from pills to shots to surgery (twice) to finally my current treatment, a simple IUD. When I was younger, doctors used to tell me to hurry and have kids then get a hysterectomy – the only guaranteed cure. Advice that may have been true, but to an 18 year old, not exactly something I was prepared to hear. However, when I was 24 and married, I did attempt to get pregnant. A year later I was divorced. I suppose this information will help explain part of this post.
Now I am 28.
I have had the same doctor, whom I love, for the past 6 or 7 years. He has seen me through treatment after unsuccessful treatment, managed pain medications and even performed one of my surgeries. At this particular yearly check up he decided that it was time to prepare me for the disappointment he fears I am headed towards. It is one thing to silently accept the fact that no matter how much you dreamed of it growing up, no matter how much you practiced playing mom with your dolls, a baby of your own is just not in the cards for you. It is quite another, I assure you, when a doctor says it.
When I left the doctors office, I cried on the drive into work.
Most of the time when the subject of children comes up, I say I don’t really want any or I am undecided if kids are right for me. It is easier than explaining the truth, which is simply that I don’t get to choose. Now I know what you will say, there is always adoption or the 20 grand process of in vitro which gives you a basic shot in hell. Please don’t think for a second that I don’t know the options out there – I’m aware.
Right now I am just reflecting. I am not throwing myself a pity party, as I mentioned this is not new news to me. It just still hurts. I think it will always hurt a little. But we all have our challenges and this is mine. It’s not so bad. I’ve learned the process of mind of matter when it comes to pain management. Plus when that doesn’t work, a glass of wine and some Ibuprofen can do the trick. I have learned how to genuinely be happy for friends and family who become pregnant. I no longer begrudge them as I once did. As for the rest of the symptoms that are a bit too personal to discuss, I am tackling those too. I could have it so much worse. I just have to remind myself of that at times… like right now.